Over the summer, I had a conversation with a good friend of mine. She has been dating her boyfriend for about a year now, but admitted to me that in month three, he tried to say “I love you.” She shut him down by explaining that there is no way he loves her because she does not feel loved by him. She explained that in order for someone to love you, they have to know you and see you for what you are. They have to love every single version of you and know how to be there for every single person you are in a way that makes you feel it. He didn’t say “I love you” again until after their one-year anniversary.Â
This idea has been at the forefront of my mind ever since she explained this to me. Coincidentally, about two months ago, I got into what is maybe the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. My girlfriend sees what I do for others and is so understanding and attentive to my feelings. In a weird way, I feel like I am dating a version of myself. We think in similar patterns, yet we are also quite different. We are at the point in a relationship where we dance around the words “I love you.” Like every other lesbian couple on the planet, we moved pretty fast. Our relationship went from friends to “I like you” to marriage in a little over two months. But ever since we started dating, I have been thinking about this concept.
Now, I am not unfamiliar with love. I have parents that are in a very loving relationship, and I have a sister whom I get along with better than anyone on the planet. I have friendships that make me feel so seen and heard, but recently, I have been questioning what love even is. While the love I feel for my family is stable, the love I have for friends seems to grow and shift and dwindle as we change into adulthood. There are friends I thought I would love forever in high school that I no longer consider to be a part of me. I don’t see the world the same way they do anymore. I still have this feeling that I will love them no matter what, even if we don’t speak anymore. But am I wasting my energy thinking that way? Maybe I don’t love them anymore, and maybe they don’t love me, but I still love my past self that loved them, and I am still grateful for the friend they were when I needed them. Â
As for family, love is complicated. There will always be this feeling of dependence due to shared blood and DNA, which is both comforting and unsettling. It is nice to know that I have a back up no matter what and a number of aunts and uncles and cousins I can call, but it’s daunting when we grow apart, pick up different interests, and don’t rely on each other in the same way anymore. Sometimes, family even feels restricted, but I know no matter what, I am so lucky to have a family that is there for me and that cares. I am so lucky to have those people that I can depend on just as much as they depend on me.Â
In the context of my relationship, I am still trying to figure out how to love. This kind of love feels like a new territory I have never entered before. I am having to get comfortable with the unknown and the learning curve. While I may not know every single version of my girlfriend yet, I am excited to meet every part of her as our connection grows. I am excited to learn how to love her in more ways than one, and I want to learn how to love her in a way that makes her feel it. But I am also aware that I need to allow her to do the same for me. If these laws of love are true, then I need to be open to the idea of receiving love and letting someone else visit every inch of my soul, mind, and consciousness in a way that I have maybe never done before. I don’t really have an answer to the love question yet, but I find the idea of learning more about love exciting.Â
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