Okay, whether you’re a fresh 21-year-old or you’re pushing 22, you’ve been hitting the bars in Amherst center. Every time I go out, it’s like a reunion. You get to see everyone. You spot that one kid you met freshman year then lost contact with and you run into your actual best friends in line for the Stacker’s bathroom. But, no one ever stops to think about why this is happening. Why is it that at the largest school in Massachusetts, with hundreds and hundreds of kids, you’re seeing all the same faces on Friday night? The answer: there are only three relevant bars in downtown Amherst. I’m going to take you through them one by one and evaluate them on the three most important criteria for any bar. Number one, the ambiance: What’s the vibe of the bar? Number two, the drinks: Is the ratio of alcohol to price fair? And number three (arguably the most important), the bathroom situation: How are the lines, and do you need a hazmat suit?
Bar Eval Number One: Spoke
Ah, Spoke, home of the longest Amherst lines and the most disgusting dance floors. Okay, let’s address number one: the vibes. Spoke is the “dance club” of Amherst. If you like DJ music and a dark club this bar is the bar for you. The lines are long and I can’t decide if it’s because Spoke is the most fun (which I respectfully disagree with) or because everyone says it’s the most fun and people just follow the crowds. I think Spoke would be a lot more fun with better music, but standing on that dance floor squished between a ton of sweaty, drunk, college kids is not my idea of fun. Number two: the drinks. The prices here are decent for the amount of liquor you get in your cocktail. I mean the drinks, I find, are really strong. Just make sure to be extra careful to avoid anything that someone might slip in, Spoke is known for its roofieing problem. Number three: the bathroom. The lines at Spoke get long, but they don’t move that slowly. It’s nice the bathroom is off to the side and you can usually hear yourself think. At the end of the night, the bathrooms get pretty gross, but for the most part, it’s not bad.
Bar Eval Number Two: Stacker’s Pub
Stack’s is always people’s number two choice behind Spoke. I find it’s my favorite, but everything has its drawbacks. Stacker’s clinches the best bar for me because of its outdoor back patio. In the warm weather, it is unbeatable. You can sit and hang out with your friends, they have trivia and live music and it feels like a bar you could find in your hometown. Now, let’s talk about drinks. Stacker’s has pretty good drinks, they aren’t as strong as Spoke, but have one too many tequila pineapples and it won’t matter. I don’t find I have to fight for a spot to order drinks and the prices aren’t too different from the other bars. They also offer pretzels which are always nice to munch on, especially if you and your friends have a table. That can truly be a make-or-break experience. It’s nice to have a home base and be able to sit down. This is where Stacker’s loses some points, in my book: the bathroom. There is only one stall for girls. Yes, you read that correctly. I don’t know who designed this bar, but to have only one bathroom is actually ridiculous. It’s also located in the middle of the bar, so the line always gets in the way of people trying to mingle. If you have good bladder control and like a good old-fashioned regular bar, Stacker’s is the place for you.
Bar Eval Number Three: McMurphy’s
It is just how you would picture it from the name. An old, Irish-themed sports bar, that somehow manages to squeeze in students even with its small size. The bar plays classic songs that everyone, especially if you are a Massachusetts native, knows and loves. There are a good amount of tables and they definitely attract a “regulars” crowd. I see a lot of familiar faces when I walk into “McMurphs,” as we affectionately call it. They serve popcorn to soak up the booze and it is as delicious as it sounds. Their drinks are alright, they never taste the best to me, but the atmosphere makes up for it. It’s a place where you want to sit at the bar and catch up with an old friend. Again, it’s usually around the same price as the other bars. I have never waited in a line that is absurdly long to get into the bar or to get into the bathroom. It’s nice because the bathrooms are single rooms, so you get that little bit of privacy that stalls don’t provide. They are cramped, but so is everything on a Saturday night.
While these bars are fun, I wish Amherst would expand its late-night scene. There are a couple of other places for students to go, but they really don’t hold the same credibility as the three bars above. It will be interesting to see how Spoke 2, which is being built, will affect the foot traffic of future Amherst bargoers.
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