Growing up, I didn’t think too much about crushes and relationships. I always viewed relationships as something that would happen far later in my life, and never really thought much about them. Once my friends and classmates started dating, I felt pressured to think about relationships, too. However, I never got any farther than the occasional talking stage. I accepted that I would be a late bloomer in relationships and that my relationship journey would happen at the right time.
At the same time, I couldn’t help but worry that I might always have a hard time forming romantic connections, since I spent all of high school without finding any. This worry eventually diminished when I began meeting other people my age who had not yet been in a relationship. I felt better knowing that I wasn’t the only one who had no experience.
I tried to push away any remaining worries as I entered college. I was entering a school with 30,000 students. I knew that it wouldn’t be like high school, where I saw the same faces every day, and I liked the idea of simply blending in.
I was so focused on the transition to college that the idea of a relationship didn’t matter to me. My primary focus was succeeding academically and making friends — I didn’t expect to spend much time thinking about relationships.Â
So, I was surprised to find that this wasn’t the case at all. I quickly received way more attention from guys than I ever had before. I had my first romantic experiences and started learning how to navigate dating. At first, I found comfort in the attention I was receiving and the excitement of liking someone. I was happy to experience these feelings finally and didn’t think about the negative aspects of them, not until it began to happen.
I found that I tended to worry a lot in relationships and often hurt myself due to anxiety. I began to feel insecure, since thinking about guys led me to focus more on my appearance. When I felt like a guy stopped liking me, I took this as a reflection of my self-worth, concluding that I must have done something wrong or wasn’t good enough.
I never expected to end up having more negative feelings than positive when I got into dating. I worried that I would end up hurt all over again, which really affected my college experience. I gradually learned the complexities of college dating and found that I struggled to form intimate relationships. Seeing guys caused a lot of anxiety for me, and I soon realized that I was spending way too much time thinking about guys. It took me a while to decide to decenter men from my life. By the end of the year, I’d realized that all along, what I really needed to focus on was myself rather than on finding a boyfriend.
Once I started doing that, my anxiety diminished. I felt so free when I wasn’t talking to anyone and could focus on myself — it felt like I had finally found myself. I realized that I am perfectly happy without a boyfriend. I learned that I don’t need to chase after men to be happy; in fact, doing so produced the opposite effect.
At first, I saw my experience as a late bloomer in dating negatively — I came to college with less experience than most, and I didn’t have enough time to learn all the rules. I experienced a lot of confusing emotions. Although it was somewhat difficult to navigate my first romantic experiences in college, I’m actually glad I experienced all the feelings I did, because they helped me grow as a person and learn from my mistakes. I was able to view relationships from a more mature perspective.
There is beauty in the fact that I began dating late and struggled to navigate relationships. I no longer romanticize the idea of having a boyfriend; I see relationships as something that will enter my life at the right time. I no longer feel pressured to chase after them. I’ve reframed my lack of success in dating as a good thing — it helped me learn more about myself, and led me to focus more of my energy on myself, and has helped me enjoy my own company more than I ever had before. I view my past emotions that stemmed from dating as valuable, rather than wishing I had never experienced them. They helped me grow as a person and taught me more about myself. All along, the actual connection I needed to find was within myself.
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