My mom, like every other new mother, was so excited to have a daughter who could fit into tiny dresses and wear cute Mary Janes. In a loving way, I was my mother’s real life American Girl Doll, and lord, did she take that role seriously. At church, I was always the most dapper baby in the pews. I wish I could tell you the exact year the big flip happened, but eventually, around age three-and-a-half, I decided that all of those dresses and fancy clothes were “too girly” to be worn by me. Keeping in mind that this was roughly 2004, I was blessed to have understanding parents who willingly took me to the Target boys section to do my clothes shopping for the next decade or so.
It wasn’t until recently that I started trying to decode the idea of girls’ clothes being labeled as “too girly.” What does that even mean to a four year old? And why did it have such a negative connotation in my brain?
To be honest, I am still too young in my queer journey to decipher whether I wanted to be perceived as a boy in my youth, but all throughout childhood, I can recall events where my gender dysphoria made me feel uncomfortable. I always felt off when we were separated as boys and girls for the annual “no spaghetti straps” talk, I was frequently asked which bathroom I used, and I can even remember some of the other schoolgirls chasing me around the playground trying to put their CVS junior makeup kit to the test on my unwilling face.
However, I do recall a few times when I did want to wear something my black and white brain had pre-labeled as feminine, but it felt so wrong. I had spent years presenting myself in such a masculine way; it would have been the equivalent of a third-grade boy wearing a dress to class. Just as shocking, just as rare, and just as easy to make fun of… so I’d just avoid the turmoil altogether.
Flash forward 15 years to 2021 and, to my surprise, a lot of these childish ideologies have stayed with me. Any time my masculinity is questioned, I feel distraught. I still wear primarily men’s clothes with a secret desire to switch it up, just as I did as a child, only now I am older and wiser. I had to take on my toxic masculinity in order to find the peace and happiness in wearing what truly made me feel beautiful, whether that was a tuxedo with pearls and androgynous makeup, or a kilt and sweater vest with jewelry so bulky it could be labeled as hardware.
In this world full of labels, ideas, beliefs, and opinions, there really isn’t enough energy in your body to be wasted on gender norms, regardless of the gender you identify with. It can be hard to accept the notion of a person who isn’t a cisgender male being a culprit of spreading toxic masculine ideologies, but coming from a nonbinary lesbian, it is possible and dangerous if not noticed by the individual.
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