In December 2015, 195 countries collectively decided to legally bind themselves to a plan with a goal to end dangerous global climate change. This deal is referred to as The Paris Agreement, and it is the brainchild of the Conference of the Parties to the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, also known as COP21. This plan will likely be good news for all of the people, plants, and animals in the 195 countries that agreed to it, regardless of each individual country’s development levels. Still, skeptics find climate change to be unimportant and The Paris Agreement to be a waste of time, energy, and money. Let’s take a look at that counter-argument:
1. You will not get to go to gas stations very frequently.
Where will you pee? Where will you get snacks? How will you know where not to hang out late at night, or where it’s most important to wash your hands after using the bathroom? What will you spend all your gas money on?
2. Your roommates can scare you way too easily.
Turning off the lights when you leave a room is just asking for it.
3. You might start carpooling, which might unwillingly lead to lasting friendships with classmates and coworkers.
It makes much more sense to prepare for a day of solitary work with an equally solitary commute. Plus, you don’t want people thinking you actually care about saving money and reducing traffic!
4. You’ll have to let your clothes hang dry every now and then.
You don’t want them smelling like a sweet sea breeze or freshly cut summer grass. No, it’s best to use a dryer. Besides, there’s something comforting and familiar in the way that clothes often come out of the dorm dryers a little damp and musty, isn’t there?
5. You’ll have to plug your electronics in every time you want to use them.
Can you think of anything more exhausting? That’s right – unplugging them when you are done. The idea itself is ludicrous.
6. You have to carry around the same few tote bags every time you go shopping.
How embarrassing! If you don’t get a plastic bag with the store’s logo, who will know that you came from LuLu Lemon and not KMart? It would be nearly impossible to establish social dominance in a world like that.
7. Even if you are okay with reusable shopping bags ruining your status, you will still have to remember to bring them every time you shop.
To ask that citizens accept this Herculean responsibility is truly preposterous.
8. When you start reusing items, you won’t get to take out the trash nearly as often.
This is really annoying, especially in the winter, when taking out the trash is by far the most enjoyable domestic activity.
9. Your friends will think you’re a tree hugger!
It can be difficult and confusing when no one sees you as a materialistic, irresponsible citizen.
10. You’ll be expected to act like littering is wrong to fit in with the sustainable community.
The environmentally conscious are really overstepping their boundaries with this one. What do they expect, you’ll go hunting around for a trash can? You’ll stick your gum to the back of your ear like Veruca Salt? No! That’s what nature is for: the People’s Great Trash Can.
11. You’ll need to consider reducing your meat consumption.
It’s unlikely you’ll be able to do this, since everyone knows that the diet of the average United States citizen consists of a balanced three Big Macs per day.
12. You might have to walk or bike, rather than drive, short distances.
Unfortunately, these things are considered exercise. Another well-known fact about the United States is that everyone is fatally obese and hates exercise, so it’s obvious this would damage public image.
13. Your efforts will help prevent rising sea levels.
It’s almost as if people can’t see how fun it would be to swim around the Statue of Liberty.
14. You will have to shop locally more often.
If you do, your community might become more connected and economically equal. Then you might see small businesses thriving on precious real estate which could otherwise be used for the community’s 7th Dunkin Donuts. You can’t honestly say 6 Dunkins is enough Dunkins.
15. You will need to reduce your heating and air conditioning habits in your home.
This demands lifestyle changes several times a year, such as wearing more clothes in the winter and less in the summer. You also might have to think about when to open and close windows and shades. Going green is a tremendous amount of work which puts a damper on the excitement of seasonal changes.
16. You could start to feel guilty for living a wasteful lifestyle.
Why feel bad for refusing to make small lifestyle changes which, in a combined global effort, could significantly slow the rapid manmade decimation of Earth as we know it? A big waste of time, that would be!
17. You will not be able to smoke cigarettes.
As if your mom doesn’t already have a laundry list of reasons smoking is the cardinal sin, she’ll be able to add “harms environment” right below “blackens lungs” and “causes cancer.” Whatever, mom. Seems legit.
18. You can’t buy large cases of plastic water bottles anymore.
If you’ve really taken a liking to the taste of carcinogenic chemicals in your water, then going green is definitely a terrible idea.
19. Your sustainable habits will help save animals from extinction.
Forget it! Polar bears aren’t even cute.
After careful reflection, we are simply shocked that the leaders at COP21 plan to emit lower amounts of greenhouse gas by 2020 through The Paris Agreement. We definitely think that the bad consequences outweigh the good ones in terms of going green. What ever were they thinking?!
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