What do you think of when you hear the words “self care?” Do you think of going to the gym and eating healthy? Or clearing your mind with a good book and hanging out with friends? There are so many means of self care, but what is probably one of the most forgotten kinds of self care, is the self care we apply to our mental state and wellbeing.
Mental health awareness is thankfully on the rise, sparking valuable conversations across communities. But while specific conversations about mental health are becoming more open, there is still one side that remains to be addressed: the concept of putting yourself first. While it may sound harmless, it definitely isn’t easy and can have a ripple effect on those around us. And if you’re someone like me, an intense people pleaser, prioritizing your peace is not an act or conversation that comes lightly.
MY TESTIMONIAL
Growing up I struggled with people pleasing and my biggest fear was confrontation. I always worried about what others thought of me if I ever chose to set a limit for myself. I found that people liked that I didn’t have boundaries, and how I sort of went with what everyone said or did. But as I got older and began understanding myself and what I was and was not comfortable with, I noticed that whenever I let the things I didn’t like keep happening, I felt gross. Something felt off. Like I was 12 years old again and looking out of my 21 year old body. I felt like I didn’t have the voice to say what I wanted to, and moving on without saying anything always gave me this false sense of hope that whatever happened wouldn’t happen again — that because I didn’t like something hopefully others would grow and change and stop doing whatever it is that they were doing. But that wasn’t the case. We all have our limits and different things to set boundaries over. I didn’t realize that for a long time, and let myself continuously go through things with the expectation that it would change. I felt like a grown butterfly stuck in its cocoon. I later understood that in order to escape that cocoon and grow, I needed to make myself heard. I needed to be selfish.
Given my situation, the people in my life at the time could not be communicated to. No matter how much I expressed how I felt about what they had been doing, they would not change. This meant that I had to change. The boundary I ended up setting for myself was keeping things to myself instead of telling them to everyone. I chose to do something that bettered my relationship with the people I was around. I didn’t feed their fire that burned me. I discovered a sense of peace I hadn’t felt before, and was able to stretch out those wings from the cocoon.
we need to be a little more selfish
Selfish. There are a lot of negative connotations with that word. The first thing that might come to mind is someone being inconsiderate, but I think it can be about looking after yourself too. We need to change that misconception.
Perceiving self-care as a selfish act can make people feel guilty for doing it, pushing them away from it. As a community and as young, growing adults we need to remember that people have their own experiences which will demand certain reactions from them, and that they deserve to do what is best for the sake of their sanity and mental health — whether it’s something small and personal or something that could affect others.
Of course, there needs to be a balance, but it’s actually finding that balance that keeps us stable. If we go too long without setting boundaries for ourselves it’s only a matter of time before we explode and make the wrong choices. We run the risk of growing resentment towards others or getting angry, losing control of our emotions and even seeing ourselves as less — as not worthy of boundaries. We’ve all struggled with boundary setting at some point in our lives. Whether it’s because we find safety in what we’re used to or a fear of hurting people’s feelings and losing them. But the best way I’ve learned and taught myself to set boundaries was through changing my mentality.
final advice
Do not let yourself endure something you don’t want to endure. Under the right circumstances it is okay to put yourself before others. It is your life, and you deserve to think about yourself. It will be hard to change things at first, but remember that you’re allowed to take your time. You do not need to go cold turkey. Like I said, first start by changing your mentality. Understand that you are your own person and that you cannot control how others react, but you can control how you feel and what makes you feel that way. There is always a choice. Then, experiment with ideas and boundaries you might be comfortable with before setting them. Once you find something that works for you, communicate it or do it on your own.
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