If I told my 10-year-old self that I would be living in an apartment with my three best friends in college, I would be over the moon with excitement. Honestly, even my sophomore year self would have been just as excited to know that this would be on the horizon. But these past versions of myself were also naive to think that issues would never arise in the apartment. I suppose all of my roommates were, because it came as a shock when disagreements came up, and therefore we were not prepared to deal with them. If I could go back in time, I would give myself these five pieces of advice for sharing an apartment with my friends.
- Establish a Consenus on Household Chores
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This is just Living With Roommates 101. Clearly chores need to get done: taking out the trash, wiping down shared spaces, cleaning up the dirty dishes. One might think that this would be the first established agreement in a shared household, but it is something that my roommates and I never discussed until it was out of frustration for personal differences. It would have saved a lot of arguments, and even tears, if we had been proactive, rather than reactive, to this issue.
- discuss shared and unshared items
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Just like discussing household chores, establishing which items are shared vs. unshared is absolutely crucial. Growing up in a household with parents who buy everything, it would make sense that some people are used to thinking that everything in the pantry is fair game. But in college, everyone is balling on a budget and isn’t necessarily trying to provide for all of their friends when they buy a bag of chips. It is only natural that people might jump to different conclusions based on their backgrounds, which is why communication is key and will make everything clear from the beginning.
- communicate as soon as issues arise
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So, let’s just say that the first and second piece of advice were not followed. In this case, issues are bound to arise sooner or later because there have been no standards set, therefore there is plenty of room for disagreements. Personally, I find confrontation to be difficult and I would rather avoid arguments if it is possible. But speaking from experience, bottling up things that bother you will only lead to an explosion of emotions, whether it is voluntary or involuntary. It is not fair to yourself, or your roommates, to let issues go unspoken until they have accumulated to the point of no return.
- encourage each other to branch out
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Whether there are roommate disagreements or everything is happy as can be, I would encourage everyone to make connections with people outside of their living space. Since I was living with my three closest friends, we tended to do everything together. Some might argue that there is nothing wrong with that, but what’s the point of going to a party if you are only going to spend time with the three people you live with? And what happens when there is some tension in the apartment? Who do you turn to for some relief, in that case? It is always useful to cast a wide net of friendships and encourage even your closest friends not to limit themselves or get too complacent with just the people who live under the same roof.
- confide in a mentor, if necessary
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Maybe you find that it is a little too late to reach out to other friends because you didn’t establish those connections outside of your core group. Maybe some of these issues have come up, and you are now uncomfortable with the friendship tension and have no backup options. In this case, it is always best to reach out for help and guidance from anyone who can provide it. Even if it is your mistake for lacking the awareness to establish rules and boundaries for you and your roommates, no one deserves to feel alone. When I found myself in this situation, I really dialed in to talking with my therapist and my parents for words of encouragement. Even just having people who care about you validate the way you are feeling can bring a great deal of comfort.
Living with friends in college is an experience that is a privilege to have, but with that privilege comes a lot of room for error. If you have something good going, clearly you don’t want to lose that. That is why if I could go back in time, I would have been more proactive in addressing the issues that occurred.
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