Dear Men On Tinder,
Hey, it’s Beth. You’ve most likely swiped me on Tinder at some point if you’ve set your location to Amherst. Maybe you’ve seen me at a bar taking a tequila shot but failed to acknowledge me. Then again, I probably would have also avoided you if I saw you. Maybe we’ve had a brief conversation if we matched, or maybe you swiped me left because you were turned off by my obnoxious duck face in one of my pictures. Regardless, I’d like to explain some things that have crossed my mind, because I’m a little tired of swiping left.
Tinder is a fun, mindless app that I hate to love. Even though it is known as a “glorified hookup app,” I have yet to hook up with any of you. I don’t take it as seriously as I should considering amount of time I use it. That being said, I have carefully crafted my Tinder profile with photos and words to make me as right-swipe-worthy as possible, so I’d like to see you guys put in a little more effort on this.
“You can be my Tinderella!” That joke is about as old as the fairy tale. Next! “It’s going down, I’m yelling Tinder!!!” Ah, yes, I see what you did there. Clever! “Live life to the fullest.” Thank you for your inquisitive philosophical advice, Socrates. That’ll do me more good than swiping right on your profile. Enough with the clichéd quotes, dudes. Put some originality into it.
You like to fish? Cool, I like to watch Netflix. I’ve finished the entire Gossip Girls series in two weeks, but that’s not a central focus of my Tinder profile. While I thoroughly enjoy the sight of a dead trout you’re holding like a trophy, I’m interested in more pressing topics, like pizza or puppies. Nope, pizza and puppies. Basically, I’m asking you to take a picture of you eating pizza with your dog. Or just a picture of your dog, either one works.
On the topic of picture selection, remember that flipping off the camera is juvenile and not a particularly good first impression. Selfies are so in, but not “in” enough to post more than one. Shirtless mirror pictures are usually just uncalled for, except in certain circumstances. I also couldn’t help but notice the car in your picture, just the car. Is his name Mike, too? I’m confused. Also, who are all of the hot girls you surround yourself with in every picture? Sisters? Girlfriends? Biddies? Daughters? Explain.
As I do appreciate you taking the time out of your day to whip out a well-composed “Hey,” or “Hi :)” message, I’m more of a “Did you read Dr. Seuss as a kid? Because green eggs and… damn!” kind of gal. Maybe you had to look up some funny pickup lines to find it, but it made me laugh and forget about my cramping, left-swiping hand for a second. Four for you, Glen Coco.
I’m not asking much, just stop posting unnecessary shirtless photos and sending me subpar pickup lines. I’m not going to be your Tinderella, and I’m not going to pretend to be amused by your dead animals. The simple solution would simply be to delete the app altogether, but I have a morbid curiosity of it. It may seem like I’m just complaining to complain, but if you’re allowed to complain about deflated footballs I should be allowed to air some grievances about the dearth of good Tinder etiquette.
Just remember: the more puppies, the better.
XOXO,,
Beth