Dear Freshmen,
Okay, first of all, holy crap. 2017? What is this, Phil of the Future? Are we even in the year that they were from yet? 2017 seems so incredibly far away but don’t get carried away, freshmen, that’s what I said about 2014.Â
First, I’d like to say Welcome to UMass Amherst. What a beautiful place, right? How often do you see at least 2 girls in a dining hall with heels and a pencil skirt on at 10am on Saturday morning? A wild place we attend school at, and there’s some things you freshpeople should know as you embark on this wonderful, beautiful journey called Zoomass Slamherst.
First and foremost, know that us seniors have no idea who you are. Meaning, when I’m walking around campus and trying to guess what year someone is, I have absolutely no idea. We can see right through to your birth certificate, though, when you ask a professor to “go back to that slide,” “can we leave after we’re done with the test?” or you show up to the first class with the book. College is a lot faster paced than high school so learn to keep up, no, you don’t have to wait until 250 people are done with the exam to leave and about the book on the first class, just no.
You must know that you do not have to get dressed for class to be accepted into our “workout chic” community. Yes, some days are great so you don’t feel like a complete slob, but there’s nothing wrong with wearing gym clothes and not actually going to the gym. Nobody will ever know if you just got off the treadmill or not.
You’re Welcome.
When I was a freshman, I was completely lost. You may feel like you’re unsure if you like it here yet and that’s okay. Just know, you’ll probably fill out a transfer application every winter when UMass doesn’t cancel class ever and you have to wear snow shoes and five jackets to walk to Marcus at 8:00am just to be sweating bullets by the time you get there. You’re not alone. You won’t send the application, though, because come spring you’re so pumped about the nice weather that you may feel a little eager and wear shorts when it’s 50 degrees out and we will accept you. Please just do us all a favor and shave your legs.
In all seriousness, freshpeeps, you’re about to have the time of your life. It could feel a little off right now because for most of you this is the first time in years if at all you’ve shared a room and you have to use a public bathroom for everything. Don’t worry, you’ll become more comfortable as time passes and you will figure out the best times to use the bathroom so there’s nobody in there (Between 12 and 1 and 3 and 4. Definitely not anytime from 8-9, maybe between 9:30-10, otherwise wait until 4am).
It’s really not that difficult, though. UMass is a great place filled with so many opportunities. Get involved or start your own club. Don’t slack off early on because otherwise your GPA will literally never rise no matter how good you do (I’m not bitter). Go to People’s Market and get a delicious bagel with delicious cream cheese, do cardio kickboxing, explore the other dining halls because Frank has finger food Friday and that’s just the bees knees, learn how to use the bus, get a Burger from my girl Courtney at Burgers 101, go to the Procrastination Station and procrastinate, sit on the grass somewhere and do your homework, go to a Not Ready for Bedtime Players show, audition for a musical, get Newman breakfast, party at Sig Ep (wait they don’t have a house anymore) then walk home, take the bus to Northampton and go to Faces, go to The Yankee Candle in Deerfield, yell random profanities and host a radio show outside of your dorm window (Hi, Jackie) and most importantly, have the time of your life.
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You’re here for school, yes, but will you be telling amazing stories about your Stats 240 homework a year from now? No, the answer is no. Good Luck, kids, and stay freshmen for as long as you can.Â
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HCXO,
Sam