It was the kind of heartbreak that left me picking up shattered pieces of myself. I spent two entire months on the couch, watching and rewatching Gilmore Girls with my dog curled up by my side. I can’t decide whether I’m proud of the way I handled it or not. Reliving my day-to-day at the time is embarrassing. I had to move home; the thought of staying in the apartment we had shared was unbearable. This meant quitting my job and the volunteer position at the aquarium I loved so much. I had to drop classes until I was part-time just to keep up with the work on top of taking care of myself.
Still, I sought help when I knew I needed it. I picked up a few new hobbies and made plans with friends even when all I wanted to do was sleep through the day. I applied to transfer to a new, better school and managed to keep my grades up enough to get accepted. Despite the hopelessness I could feel in my chest and stomach, I got up every day and took the tiniest baby steps towards getting better. In taking these steps to care for myself, I had to learn to love myself unconditionally, in a way no one else could. I am still learning.
I am learning more about myself. That relationship was such a large part of my life, and when it ended, it left a gaping hole. Since then I have filled that space with things I love, big and small. I love my friendships. I love hiking and swimming and being outside. I love adventures. I love art and writing. Some of these things I enjoyed during my relationship, but being broken up with gave me space to focus on what I liked to do for myself.
I am learning what I want from my life. When I was in my relationship, I would’ve happily made sacrifices to prioritize being with my partner. Now, I know that would’ve held me back. I have dreams that do not align with theirs, and that’s okay. Although, back then I would’ve happily given them up. Now, I couldn’t imagine giving up on the things that feel like such a perfect fit for me. I have had some of the best experiences of my life in the last year, and I don’t think that would be true if we were still together.
I am learning that I love and am loved by so many people. During the worst of it, my family made sure I ate. My friends planned ways to get me out of the house. My therapist listened to me cry. My doctor took what I was feeling seriously. Somehow, after the breakup, I felt less lonely than I ever had when we were together. I still wake up every day grateful for my female friendships and the people around me.
I am learning closure comes from myself. I have spent endless nights wondering what changed, what I could’ve done better, and what I did to deserve being treated so unkindly. I will never get answers to those questions. But there are things I know to be true. I know I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, regardless of the answers to my previous questions. I know I am more confident now than I ever was in that relationship. I know I am a lovable person and it is not my fault that they couldn’t love me the way I deserve. I know that when I want to, I will find someone who can.
Every relationship and every breakup is different. I know that the person reading this may not resonate specifically with my journey. There are a few things, though, that I hope someone hurting might take away from this. Firstly, you are not alone. Breakups feel so isolating; you are facing a significant shift in one of the most important relationships in your life. But that gross, unsettling feeling in your stomach has been felt by so many people before you. Second, it’ll get better. I know that is something you hear over and over again, but it really is true. You’ll get through it, and you’ll come out on the other side even stronger. Lastly, don’t hesitate to ask for help. I was so embarrassed by the support I needed over a breakup, which, in the context of our world, feels minor. But mental health matters, and there are people, friends, family, professors, and professionals, who will support you every step of the way. You deserve support, and asking for help is an act of radical self-love.
Can’t get enough of HC UMass Amherst? Be sure to follow us on Instagram, listen to us on Spotify, like us on Facebook, and read our latest Tweets!