I’ve always been terrified to graduate college.
That sounds weird. Let me explain.
Growing up, I was always a very good student. I earned good grades, I got my homework done, I participated in class; I excelled as a student. I always liked learning and expanding my knowledge. When I got to college, people warned me about losing my motivation to be a student. While I see that in some areas of my experience at college, for the most part, I still enjoy being a student.
But that is coming to an end soon. I graduate with my Bachelor’s Degree in about two months and poof, I will no longer be a student.
That is not to say that I don’t feel ready to graduate. I’m at a point in my college career where I feel as though I’m in this buffer zone between running out of this place while flipping the bird or handcuffing myself to a bicycle rack on campus. Part of me is excited to graduate and start pursuing my dreams and goals, but another part of me is reluctant to let go of my identity as a student. I’ve never not been a student before. How do I just let that part of me go that I’ve been for the past 21 years?
When I finished middle school, I knew I had four more years of high school planned out for me. When I graduated high school, I knew I had four more years of college ahead of me. But now I feel as though I’m at the end of the road for having a solid idea of what is to happen next. Part of me likes this freedom. I’m excited to enter a new chapter of my life that is completely up to me and my choices. This is something that so many students look forward to, the power to make your own choices for your post-grad life. This actually does sound appealing to me to have that control, that I can choose to pursue something that I am passionate about. Yet, that is a lot of freedom. I don’t want to make the wrong choice. I’ve always put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to succeed that the thought of failing shakes me to my core.
I know what I’m feeling isn’t necessarily uncommon. Plenty of people are nervous to graduate college and take the next step in their life. It seems that our whole experience as students has been leading us up to this point where we graduate college and enter “the real world.” I’ve always hated that phrase, “the real world.” It makes it seem like my life experiences for the past 21 years have just been a controlled experiment. I’m well aware that I’m in for a culture shock after I leave my college bubble, but it always seemed strange to me for people to discount those years of experience.
What I’m trying to say is, grappling with the end of my college career is a lot of push and pull. I’m trying to deal with these emotions of ending this chapter of my life as they come and I want to honor those feelings. I’m allowed to be scared, it’s a big change. I’m allowed to be excited for the opportunities that are to come. These feelings don’t exist in a vacuum.
It was inevitable that this moment would come, it just always just seemed so far away. Am I ready? I don’t really have that answer yet. But I’m learning to be okay with not knowing.
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