There are many experiences in life that we may hear of but never fully understand until the moment you realize that it can happen to you. Life is unexpected, we’ve all heard that, but who knew life could throw such a bomb on your world that it destroys your entire existence and spirituality? What we often don’t acknowledge is the deep and essential connection between our minds, hearts and bodies. Neither one can function without the support of one or another. We all love ourselves and our bodies whether we express it or not but when moments like the one I’m about to share occur you realize how much you really love yourself more than anything or anyone else in the world.
Life had its flaws and challenges but I woke up every morning with the sun shining and my smile shining just as bright. There was a beauty in the simplicity of the cool, fresh air of the mornings, the wave of laughter and clanking of glasses with company during the nights and the jolly personalities of my friends throughout the days. I was living in a world of pure happiness, carelessness and purity. I never had an ounce of pessimism, doubt, or fear. I lived life like every moment was the last. College was my escape, my home, and my happiness.
It was the first week of May and the last week of school; I was almost at the half way point of my college career. It was a time to celebrate, reminisce and appreciate every day and every blessing. It was the last weekend at school and my last night of freedom and euphoria. It was a Friday and like always my best friends and I were bubbling with laughter and erupting with excitement. We bounced with joy and danced to the beat of the music as we dolled up for a night of enjoyment. We made our way into the cool, dark night through the campus. We entered the building feeling an immediate wave of warmth, darkness and steam. In the room, the music made my body vibrate and my heart pound. I danced the night away, floating and swaying with the elegance of a ballerina.
The clock hit 3 and the bright white lights came on. It was time to make my way back to my room. As I was walking alone towards my building, three of my guy friends and acquaintances approached. We rode the elevator together and I laughed, “It’s the last weekend! Everybody having a good time?” They responded with interest, “Let’s have a good time then.” One of my friends was too tired and went his separate way, but the acquaintance and other friend followed me towards my dorm. As I looked back at them my eyes locked on him: tall, broad shoulders, and intimidating. His walk was off balance as he veered off bumping into the wall aggressively and shifting back towards the middle of the hall way. I felt a sense of confusion and conflict within my subconscious self. I continued on into my room as they joined.
The room was lit with one white desk light and covered with dullness and darkness. We shared some laughs and talks and eventually my friend left, leaving me with this monstrous character, a football player who I barely knew. I was sitting on the bed when this dreadful song began to play, the sound of the music seeming to set a negative, fearful tone. Something about his essence was making me uncomfortable in my own skin. He came closer as I slid away. He began to bring his lips closer to my arm and I shrugged my shoulder away from him. My own room was beginning to feel unfamiliar and life started to become surreal. He persistently pushed his large body mass towards my frail, gentle body. I pushed at his shoulders not wanting to even touch him.
I was cornered on the edge of my bed, almost as if I was on a cliff and I felt the fear of falling down towards emptiness. He dropped his heaviness on top of my body and I felt suffocation more so mentally than physically. His touch seemed to burn my skin, my hands began to feel numb and my legs shifting side to side losing energy. He began to pull my shorts off as I pulled away. My mind just went into a zone of utter shock and confusion. It seemed that after that moment my spirit was looking down at my body. This outer body experience is unexplainable. Everything I felt and saw after this moment was seen as a nightmare that I could not and still cannot accept as reality.
The pressure of his intensely broad and heavy body pressed on my weak, frail being felt unbearable. He pushed as I pulled and I laid there with tears dropping from the corner of my eyes and a repetitive cry coming out of my lips, “No. Please stop.” It was as if a devilish spirit was trying to consume me. I cried and cried and I wished to wake up from this surreal nightmare. I felt a tense numbness overpower my entire body. A final cry was let out as he entered me. I continued my weak, useless attempts to end the agony that had overcome me. My room felt like a prison cell as I was imprisoned within my own body. Time was standing still and I felt myself drifting into unconsciousness.
I don’t know how many minutes passed by as I just waited; waiting for what exactly, I didn’t know. When it finally stopped, I felt a jolt of energy in my spine and I jumped abruptly out of my bed. When he left, the sun had already rose yet I could not see it or feel it. There was light but no warmth. I sat outside on the ledge of the building staring off into empty space. There was no slight movement of air, there was no view of the buildings or the world in front of my blank, unblinking eyes. I began to walk straight ahead, off into a space I was all of a sudden not familiar with. With no path in front or behind me, I just walked in a zombie-like state. I felt wetness in my eyes yet could not process any feelings. I could not feel my own movement. The only thing I felt was emptiness.
When I returned to my room I dropped like a stack of cards, falling to my knees, and an overpowering surge of tears and groans came out of me. I felt the intense flow of reality hit me like a brick wall. I fell into a coma and when I awoke I did not know feeling, I did not know breath, I did not know the environment. I began to disassociate from myself, others and the world. I felt hidden yet trapped in my room. I could not step in front of the eyes of the world. Every step I took in a crowd, I felt the sharp glaring eyes of strangers as if they could look into my soul, which I could not even feel. The nightmares began immediately. I could not sleep in my own bed, which felt tainted. I would fall into a coma-like sleep and my unconscious mind would begin to engulf me in its nightmares. All I felt was lack of breath, a consumption of fear take over my body, and I would awake crying and sweating as if I had been placed in an incinerator.
The days became a blur, nights became omitted, and time became obliterated. I began to lose myself in this still world of darkness and emptiness. It took days, weeks, and then months to regain consciousness of myself. I had been tainted but refused to be destroyed. One day I looked myself in the mirror, caressing the smoothness of my skin, brushing my fingers through my dark locks and glared into my glazing, sparkling eyes. I recognized myself, my beauty and my spirituality. I knew there was more power in me than that of any devil or any monster. There was a moment of liberation where I felt my spirit free itself like a flock of doves. I began to touch every leaf, breathe in the crisp air and absorb the warmth of the sun’s rays within my skin. I regained my sense of touch, my vision and the basic senses that we have been blessed with.
What distinguishes an average individual from a strong individual is their experiences and ability to overcome and overpower the gravity of a feeling or suffering. I have gained the essence of a goddess, an angel and a statue. A goddess that can bless those around her with the sense of life and happiness. An angel that protects and secures the peace and feelings of those around her. A statue that stands strong, tall and unbreakable as a memory of what can be endured. I have learned to expand my wings farther, fly higher and feel weightless. Life is unexpected and that is the beauty of its nature. When you fall, you only gain more strength to get back up. There is an internal and eternal glow of love, life and laughter that shines from within me.