*Content warning: sensitive topics*
“I think the grief and loss support group would be really helpful for you. They meet on Wednesday afternoons at four-thirty,” my therapist mentioned to me about a year ago. I quickly said, “No, that’s not a good time for me. I have to work in the lab on Wednesdays and can’t skip that.”
I came up with an easy excuse to avoid facing my grief, something I’ve done since the day he died. Acknowledging my feelings, especially in a room full of strangers, was not something I was ready to jump into. My therapist dropped the subject, but the idea of a support group stuck in the back of my mind for weeks following our conversation.
Almost exactly two years ago, my father unexpectedly passed away. It came as a shock to everyone. He thought it was his arthritis flaring up, having all sorts of pain in his back, legs, and arms. The pain became excruciating, and despite my father’s protests, my sister-in-law eventually forced him to go to the hospital. We discovered that he contracted a bacteria which quickly became septic. Within only seven days, he was pronounced dead. Despite the doctors’ best efforts, including multiple surgeries and around-the-clock care, his immune system was weak and could not fight off the illness.
Unfortunately while this was happening, my ex-boyfriend and I were fighting everyday for months leading up to my father’s passing. He broke up with me five days before my father died. I cried for weeks, unable to eat, sleep, or think about anything other than my father or ex-boyfriend. I was going through the motions of being alive, but felt the farthest thing from it.
Despite the fact that my friends and I were a close-knit bunch since middle school, it became evident that they didn’t know how to handle the situation either. I remember at cheerleading practice, someone I considered a best friend said behind my back, “She just needs to get over it.”
I ended up having a painful friend-breakup with these girls, my “best friend” kicking me out of the group chat, and the friend-group altogether. She claimed I was “being mean” when I told her that I didn’t want to hear about their boyfriends (who happened to be close friends with my ex-boyfriend). For two weeks straight after this, I only got out of bed to shower, use the bathroom, and occasionally eat. I missed ten days of class and wanted to finish my senior year online to avoid going back to school at any cost.
After two weeks of laying in bed, my mother decided I needed to start being productive again. I tried to reach out to my “friends”, but they already decided that they wanted nothing to do with me. Looking back, I wonder what thoughts were running through their minds. I try to tell myself that they may have had their own things going on at the time, but to this day I truly don’t know.
Graduation day eventually came, and I was ready to start fresh at UMass. A few months into my freshman year, I realized I needed to start seeing a therapist again. I called the on-campus Center for Counseling and Psychological Help (C.C.P.H.) and was given a time and date for a consult call. It was similar to a phone interview, I spoke with someone over the phone and they paired me with a therapist that seemed like they’d be the best fit.
After I became comfortable with therapy, I soon began to see a psychiatrist at C.C.P.H. I visit with her from time to time to make sure I am taking the right medications, as well as working on finding diagnoses for my different symptoms. Recently, after working with my current therapist and psychiatrist for over a year, I became comfortable with the idea of group therapy.
About a month ago, I picked up a flyer for the grief and loss support group held at C.C.P.H. My therapist seemed proud of me when he noticed the small paper in my hand as I walked into one of our appointments.
Throughout this journey, I’ve learned that healing takes time. Grief isn’t a linear process with a deadline, it varies for each person. I’ve noticed that the pain comes in waves; some days will be good, other days are not so great. Now that I’m in college, I’ve made new friends who understand that some days I need some extra love, and other days I need space. I’m no longer afraid to speak up in order to do what’s best for me and my mental health.
For those who are also going through grief and loss: your feelings are always valid. There is no shame in asking for help and doing what’s best for you. Healing isn’t a race, it’s something that takes extra time and love. And always remember: you are not alone.
Helpful resources:
1. Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255
2. UMass Amherst CCPH: 413-545-2337