On April 10, 2024, a friend of mine died in a drunk driving accident. Her unlicensed boyfriend, who was intoxicated, was driving the car. They collided with a truck and Bela, my friend, was thrown from her Jeep Cherokee and was pronounced dead a little while later at the hospital. I was in Austria at the time visiting my sister and didn’t really process the information until I got home and could really feel the loss. Her death anniversary was last week, and in the past year I have learned so much about the process of grieving and what that means for me in the context of Bela’s death.Â
While I think it is important to know about the five stages of grief, which were created by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, I also think it is crucial to note that grief is an ever-changing process and state of mind that does not move in a linear way. When I first learned about the five stages of grief in therapy, I thought that once I experienced the last stage I would be done grieving. It planted this idea in my head that there could be an end goal to my grief, and a time where I may not grieve anymore. But the farther I get from the time of my friend’s death, the more I am aware that grieving her will always be there in some way shape or form.Â
Over the past year, I have experienced almost all of the stages of grief in different ways. Kubler-Ross’s first stage of grief is denial, which I definitely went through when I first heard about my friend’s death. I could not believe that she was no longer a living, breathing person in my life until at least a month after her passing. I think a little part of me will never believe that she is actually gone, even though I feel as if I have already gone through the anger and bargaining stages of grief that follow denial.
Similarly to denial, I think I will also always be a little bit angry at the cruelty of her death and at the fact that she is no longer here. For me, bargaining was interesting. I grappled with the idea of wishing it was somebody else or myself that died instead of her. I know this is dark, but I think it is a really crucial part of grief. Without going through this period of time, I would have never been able to accept the fact that what happened to her was her story and not anybody else’s, nor was it meant to be anyone else’s. Depression and acceptance are the last two phases of grief, and I don’t know if I have experienced them yet, and I think that is okay too. Like I said before, for me the five stages of grief are very limiting.Â
My grief for Bela shows up in really funny ways. About a month before her death anniversary, I started to feel very anxious, and everything felt very overwhelming even though on the outside nothing in my life really seemed to change. I started to notice physical similarities between strangers and her. I remember on multiple occasions questioning why someone walking down the street looked so familiar, or why hearing a particular song or seeing a seagull reminded me of something unnameable. Some may interpret this as a sign, but for me it felt more like my body was reminiscing and remembering her before my brain figured it out. Then one day I realized how close her death anniversary was, and it all made sense. Sometimes I also find myself thinking about her and her death in the most random situations. Usually, it is tied to a memory or the thought of going home, but either way it is a strange feeling and sometimes causes me to feel denial, bargaining, anger, love, sadness, or confusion along with many other feelings depending on the situation. This is why I am happy that I have allowed myself to detach from the idea of grief moving in a linear fashion with specific stages. I have instead allowed myself to label and feel whatever emotions come up when I am reminded of my friend and to also recognize that it is okay and totally normal to feel multiple things at once especially when dealing with tragedy.Â
In a lot of ways, I like the idea of grief having stages. It feels like a project or a test that has multiple steps or elements that need to be completed before you can move on. But in actuality, grief is nothing like that. It ebbs and flows like waves, and sometimes you won’t think about it for weeks or months and other times it will control your brain. For me at least the most important thing to remember is that no matter what, any feelings that you are experiencing are valid and it is okay to sit with them and to not be okay.Â
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