Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the idea of relationships and the different ways they fit into our lives. I’m not necessarily talking about romantic relationships, since those deserve a conversation of their own, but mostly friendships and the ebbs and flows they inevitably come with. As an only child, I grew up heavily depending on my friendships, and specifically, my female friendships. I love my mom and can go to her for anything, but when it came to romantic advice, career goals, and the inevitable quarter-life crisis, I found myself turning to my best girlfriends. They were the ones who watched me make mistakes, gave me good (and bad) advice, who listened to me rant about something minuscule for hours, and who ultimately have experienced life with me. My friends feel like a part of me in every way, and I carry their thoughts, their worries, their encouragement, and their love everyday.
That being said, friendships are a choice. These are the people you get to choose to be in your life. They’re not there out of familial obligations or out of romantic interest, but as part of the curated community that you have chosen to surround yourself with everyday. So what happens when a friend chooses to not be a part of your life anymore? Or chooses to be a part of your life in different ways? How do we cope with the hole left behind by that person? If I’m being entirely honest, I’m not really sure. Somewhere along the way, I found myself relying on the validation, love, attention, and quality time provided by my friendships. I stopped looking for that in myself, because I was filling that need through other people.
Like everyone, I have had friendships end or change, and every time that happened, it felt like a direct punch to the gut. It feels like losing a limb or something that you can’t remember living without. It’s worse than a breakup and it comes with its own type of grief. As I’ve gotten older, I have learned that change in friendships is not necessarily a bad thing. As we all move through our lives, we need and want things at different times, and therefore have to serve ourselves and our outside relationships in different ways. It is our responsibility to ourselves to know who and what is fulfilling us, and learn to let go of what isn’t. It is also our responsibility to not rely on other people for self-fulfillment, a lesson I’m still working on.
Everyone says relationships should be easy, and they should, but they also require work. Being an active participant in someone else’s life requires putting in effort and investing time in that person. This isn’t a bad thing, but something we should all be aware of. I think the downfall of a lot of friendships comes when people forget this. When someone’s presence in your life becomes an expectation rather than an active choice, you can lose perspective on not only what you need or deserve, but what that person may need or deserve.
As a graduating senior, the idea of my life changing post-grad is very prevalent right now. It’s a thought that is terrifying, exciting, and seems tangible and intangible all at the same time. But what I struggle with the most is the idea that my friendships will change, and that the community I have harvested up until this point will shift. I am so thankful for my friends and the way they have supported me in my journey. Through them, I have learned to love and be loved, to ask for what I deserve, and to rely on them, but most importantly, to rely on myself. They have taught me that love shows up, and they have, without a doubt, shown up for me in ways they’ll never even know.
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