Why does getting up to fill my water in the dining hall stress me out? Or having a meal by myself? “Can you come with me?” is a phrase that my close ones know all too well, since being alone is something I was always terrified of. Whether it is a mix of dependency on others, being embarrassed, or just plain anxiety, I have always avoided doing things alone at all costs. When I was younger, the mere thought of being home alone concerned me — and it was not a small feat when I finally managed to do it years later than the rest of my friends.
Once I grew older, I started enjoying the peace and quiet of a brother-less household and yearned for alone time to recharge my social battery. However, doing things alone, especially in public, was not for me. While I obviously could do things alone, I hated every aspect of it, feeling as though everyone in the room was staring at me, as if I was doing something horribly wrong. This sensation, however, was relieved by the presence of a friend, which I have been used to my entire life. The long and horrible walk by myself in front of people turned into a quick bonding moment between me and a friend, helping me forget about all the eyes on me.
Since the first semester of my freshman year of college was spent at home, I had no opportunities to grow and step out of my well-formed comfort zone. During sophomore year, you could not pay me to go to the dining hall and have a meal by myself. I would seek out plans for every meal and delay eating until I had someone to go with. I deeply admired my independent roommate who could accomplish this with ease, feeling inferior to her with my nagging anxiety telling me that everyone would be watching. This year, I can (almost) confidently settle into Roots Cafe for two hours between classes every Wednesday, munching on a quesadilla all by myself.
When guiltily asking for a companion on a simple task, mid-giggle my friend says, “I hate you but you’re just like me.” This simple, yet comforting phase put me at ease. Why is it that it can feel like everyone is watching you, or noticing things? As I sit alone during my Wednesday alone time, I ponder the topic. Do I notice embarrassing things about other people? Do I think it’s weird that that guy over there just got napkins by himself? No! Everyone is far more concerned with themselves and worrying about what others think than noticing anything about anyone else.
When I muster up the courage to get a chai tea alone or switch seats while already settled down somewhere on campus, I know that no one is looking at me, I am not walking weirdly, and no one cares about the drink you buy or the food on your plate at the dining hall. Being able to accomplish these small and seemingly insignificant tasks alone may seem like no big deal to others, yet it fills me with motivation and empowerment.
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