It’s Valentine’s Day. Vibes are happy, pink and red aesthetically pleasing trinkets fill stores and find ways into our shopping carts everywhere.
Love is in the air, especially at my house. But in terms of love meaning a romantic, official, meaningful relationship, I do not fall into the same category as my roommates right now.
That’s okay. This isn’t about shaming them or making anyone feel bad about being in love. The last thing my roommates do is rub it in my face. This is more about the weird feeling where you don’t know what Valentine’s Day means to you and for the sake of clarity, I am going to break it down into different sections.
1. The single aspect
I can admit at times over the last year, between Feb 14, 2021, and now, I didn’t think I would be single on Valentine’s Day. I get excited when I meet people, sometimes getting carried away thinking about the “what if” aspects and oftentimes imagining the future when things are going well. It’s natural and while I try to avoid creating an image of someone in my head or unrealistic expectations in terms of what our future holds, the idea of looking back on this year and not having someone to celebrate Monday with is odd. Odd because I am not sure if it surprises me. That doesn’t feel like the right word. But odd just because I can’t find the exact word to describe the feeling. Yeah, after some meaningful situationships, it feels kinda not great to spend the day of love by myself.
The reason those situationships didn’t work out wasn’t on me. I can proudly and confidently say that. But I can’t help but feel sad about the idea that I am the one with failed situationships while I witness close proximity relationships that did work out. They always have a constant. Whether it’s someone to grab food with, hit the bars with, call for a quick question, text to lift up their mood, there is a dependable person in their life who cares for and loves them endlessly. Someone to FaceTime for a funny story or as shallow as it sounds, a constant hype man.
I almost had that. But I didn’t. My bed sleeps one each night. I don’t have bus tickets booked for long-distance reunions or reservations for two on a Friday night. I got out of my long-term relationship in August 2020. I had my fair share of time by myself. I don’t feel like I need someone in my life, but I have reached a point where I want someone. Witnessing three different beautiful love stories flourish and strive in my house is a reminder of that.
2. Friends
Let me say, Valentine’s Day means a lot to people regardless of how much love they show people on a daily basis. It isn’t necessarily about only showing love on February 14. However, I think that people often assume if you’re single, it’s the same if you show appreciation to a family member, a friend, or someone who you aren’t romantically seeing. Having been in love on Valentine’s Day before and having not, to me it’s different. I text my mom “I love you,” every night. I say it to my friends when getting out of the car. I never let someone drive away without saying “text me when you get home.” I show the people I care about love and appreciation every single day. There’s no question about it. I am not going to be the agro person that says Valentine’s Day is a stupid holiday. But I also won’t say that it’s the same for single vs non-single people.
3. Valentine’s Day in college
I used to be that friend who (with my mom’s help, she sorta did everything) made cute and meaningful notes, cards, or valentines for my classmates. I made sure everyone on the list got one, never forgetting anyone in my class and when I got older, I looked forward to Target trips to pick out special gifts for each of my friends. Nobody does that in college. Nobody has the disposable income to buy all their friends chocolates, candy, cards, candles, and endless pink and red goodies. I’m not 21 so I can’t contribute wine to Galentine’s Day events, but at the same time, I feel weird bringing just cheese or cupcakes. On Monday, I’ll host my usual meeting for the sports section of the Daily Collegian, avoiding the crowded restaurants and romantic date spots. I’ll drive to class listening to my newest playlist, “I don’t have a valentine,” composed of my favorite love songs that feel like butterflies when kissing someone at the bridge of a song, or a warm hug, or simply put; being in love.
4. Self-love toxicity
You may have asked yourself while reading this; “but you have yourself to love and celebrate.” Let’s stop spreading the message around that self-love is easily attainable. It’s so far from that. It comes in waves, drifts for periods of time, and is never easy to understand. It sometimes takes messy and painful situations to raise standards and sometimes takes a good cry to feel happy. Valentine’s Day is different for everyone, there is no right way to celebrate. It can be a day filled with messy, weird, confusing, and even conflicting emotions.
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