Being an RA is Not Like What You See on TV–It’s Way Harder

One of my residents knocked on my door last month, specifically to ask me, “Why don’t you ever wear a bra?”

I wish this story could end with me feeling safe inside my dorm, but it doesn’t. In that moment, I shut the door and the tears wouldn’t come. Tears would not do justice to the pain I have experienced as a woman and an RA on a college campus.

A few weeks later, one of my residents made a racist comment towards my coworker. I was angry, upset, and frustrated because there was no system in place to discipline the perpetrator, nor to help us feel safe again.

Last week, feeling abandoned by the system (or lack thereof), I held an anti-bias floor meeting. I was angry, angry that I didn’t feel safe in my own home, angry at University policy, angry at my residents’ amusement. I asked them if they have ever felt marginalized because of their identities in the community, and I was even angrier to find that they are amused by making racist jokes, sexual comments targeted at women, and excluding those who differ from them. 

How do I address that? How do I protect myself and others who are being targeted, without risking my job?

I do my best and take it one day at a time. I call people out when they make inappropriate comments, and I make them uncomfortable. I ask them why they said it. I ask them where that belief came from. Often, it’s because they’ve been hurt before and no one had taught them how to heal. I can relate to that.

Being an RA is getting woken up at 4am because someone can’t stop throwing up. It’s residents confiding in me that they’ve been sexually assaulted. It’s convincing them that suicide is not the answer. I drove one of my residents to the airport once because no one else could. Being an RA is like gaining thirty friends who only talk to you when they need something, and that can be extremely emotionally draining, but also extremely fulfilling. Being an RA has challenged the way I interact with strangers, the way I empathize with my friends, and my response system when friends confide in me.

I used to think that listening was one of my best abilities. I know now that active listening requires more than listening without interrupting. Active listening is actually hearing someone, not pretending to listen while constructing my next response. I owe it to even the least tolerant of people to listen. Those may be the people who actually need it the most. Being an RA is about listening when I’d rather scream and cry, helping a group of thirty freshmen treat other people with kindness and respect, and caring for them no matter how awful they can be.

I have come close to quitting my job almost daily at times. But I still do it because I have come to care for my residents, despite how insensitive they can be. I do it because I love the community of RA’s I’m a part of. I do it because although this has been one hell of a semester, it’s been one of the best too.

 

All images are courtesy of the author

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