As many of you may know, I lost my mimi almost two years ago now. She was one of my favorite people in the whole entire world. Even today, reminiscing on losing her shatters every last piece of my heart. I would say mentally I’m so much better now, but there are still moments when I’m overshadowed by a deep and depressing bout of grief and pain. To make me feel better, I have pictures of the two of us right above my desk. When thinking of a topic for a Her Campus article, I was gonna write something a little more Buzzfeed-esque, like “how to organize your makeup.” Don’t get me wrong, I love writing about organization, but looking up at the pictures of us brought a wave of pain that I needed to get out somehow. Writing about my life really helps get all my negative feelings out, even if nobody ever reads it.
I have dealt with an unfortunate amount of loss growing up. It got to a point where I was frequently used to losing someone I cared about. This specific loss put me in an unbearable state of depression because of our extremely close relationship. To be blunt, it really, really sucked, and it still does. The start of quarantine was also something that made this life transition much worse. The inability to see anyone meant that we never had a funeral, and I never got the proper closure.
I went to therapy, and in one of the first sessions, I was told to write a letter to her as though I was speaking to her. This helped me a lot more than I thought it did because it allowed me to find a means of closure in a different way. In the letter, I wrote:
I miss you every day. You were easily one of the biggest parts of my life. It hurts me to know you were just taken away from me. Every time I’m going anywhere, I see a place that reminds me of you. I loved spending time with you, whether it was going somewhere like Subway, where you would tell the sandwich maker that I want my bacon extra crispy and I want “gobs and gobs” of mayo, or the arcade, where you would brag to everyone about how good I was at Deal or No Deal, even though that was a game based on pure luck. I miss getting cards from you, but I’m also super grateful that I have as many that I do because then I have so much to hold on to. I wish I could just call you and have one more conversation. I would do anything in the world to hear your voice again, and I still haven’t fully processed that I won’t be able to. I hope you are doing okay, and I love and miss you very much. Thank you for being such a big influence in my life. You really shaped me into who I am, and I am so grateful for that.
I haven’t read this letter since I wrote it in July of 2020, but looking back on it today gave me happiness. It allowed me to feel everything I felt in that moment, and it brought me to realize that I’ve healed considerably since then. Grief is different for everyone, but for most people, it comes in waves. For me, I used to have constant panic attacks and would almost always feel emotional pain. Now, I’m at a point where I’ve adjusted my mindset enough to put my energy into the happy parts of life. Sometimes, I still feel pain, just like I did when I started writing this article. When I feel the pain, I channel my energy into expression in hopes to feel comfort again.
If there’s something I want you to take away from this, it’s that life has points that feel absolutely unbearable. In these moments, it’s important to focus on what you love, along with who you surround yourself with. In moments of pain, I talk to my friends and family, along with putting my energy into activities that inspire my positivity, such as my creative endeavors. I also choose to let myself feel the pain when it arrives so that I can go through the natural motions of my feelings. Never forget that life is full of opportunities and love. Sometimes you may have to search for it, but it’s always waiting to be found.