Sometimes simply making it through Christmas Day is a feat fit for heroes. While not all of us may be able to stop Hans Gruber and save Nakatomi Plaza (Die Hard, duh!) there is still a little bit of hero in each and every one of us. So, in order to find out how you will handle the holidays this season, simply make quick-thinking decisions for each scenario and you just might end up saving Christmas! As you scroll, be sure to keep track of the number of As, Bs, Cs and Ds you get and you’ll soon find out which “Christmas Movie Hero” you are!
Question One:
We have a CODE RED: Santa Claus has gone missing and Christmas is tomorrow! As a great “Christmas Movie Hero,” what do you do upon hearing this devastating news?
A.) You know your family will be heartbroken by this. To make sure that they have the best holiday ever, you plan to find the fat man and bring him back with a big ol’ bow on his head.
B.) In order to figure out what happened to Santa Claus, you begin your own solo investigation. This will require stealth, ingenuity and probably some heavy-duty weaponry.
C.) Screw how the kids will feel without Santa Claus! This sounds like a dream come true and the perfect opportunity for you to start your own plans, like getting some reindeer . . .
D.) You start by retracing Old Nick’s steps, then create a scheme to bring him back. You will need an impressively drawn-out battle plan, a couple of buckets and some glue.
Question Two:
While walking out of your local Wal-Mart, you see the Salvation Army red donation kettle. As you go to drop in $5, someone snatches the kettle and runs away! What do you do?
A.) That little shi*t doesn’t know who he’s messing with! Before he even gets five feet, you grease up your recently purchased metal saucer and whip it at his knees. He’s down for the count!
B.) As “Joy to the World” plays in the background, you chase down that little punk, grab him by his shirt collar and haul him to the ground. After he’s done crying, you tell him, “Welcome to the party, pal.”
C.) HAHA! As if you were really going to donate $5. You’re more disappointed that the twerp beat you to the kettle. However, as you trip the kid and grab it for yourself, a good Samaritan praises you for your quick thinking. To look like the hero, you have to return the kettle . . . for now.
D.) No one steals from the needy on Christmas! Before he can get away, you grab your handy-dandy firecrackers and light them up. The thief believes the police are on the scene and gives back the kettle. Nice work, kid!
Question Three:
Times Square is especially beautiful this time of year, with the Christmas tree at the center of it all. As you’re gazing up at its splendor, all of the lights suddenly go out, leaving everything in complete and total darkness! What do you do to save the day?
A.) It’s probably just a bulb that has gone out. As you climb the tree, you think that you see the source of the problem. Just as you twist the bulb back into place, an electric shock races through your body, jolting you to the pavement below. When you regain consciousness, you notice that all of the lights are back on. SUCCESS!
B.) “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.” Yeah, right. You walk over to the guy in charge of the lights and open the equipment box to see that all of the wires are tangled. You begin pulling them apart (in the dark, like a bad a$$) and the tree is lit once more. Thankfully, you didn’t need to rough anyone up for this one.
C.) You thought the lights looked pretty gaudy to begin with and now you don’t have to see all of the whiny kids’ faces. However, everyone around you keeps complaining, so you do the next best thing: light up the tree with fire. Now things are really cooking!
D.) The sticky bandits are at it again! You pull out your trusted slingshot and hit the giant star directly in the middle. Bullseye! With it straightened out, the lights are once again in their bright glory. You can’t have Christmas without the Christmas tree!
Question Four:
It’s that time of year again and you know what that means: Christmas carolers! They have surrounded your house and are singing every Christmas song known to man. The mission: escape the carolers so you can complete last minute Christmas shopping. What do you do?
A.) Finally, your backed-up sewer is paying off! The smell has clung to your place for days, but the real issue is the gas coming out of the drain. Well, not until one of the carolers flicks her cigarette towards the sewer. Lucky you! The resulting explosion causes all of the carolers to scatter and allows you to leave your house safely.
B.) This is not a problem for someone with your set of skills. After observing the situation–taking notes on each carolers’ position–you make your move. Without hesitation, you get into your car and simply back up, not looking to see if the carolers disperse. If they were smart, they would have gotten out of your way.
C.) You’re not much of a “people-person,” so you leave this job to your trusted dog. Before the carolers can start their second rendition of “O Christmas Tree,” you unleash your hound. With a stick tied to his back and meat dangling in front of him, the carolers run back to their cars and your job here is done.
D.) Christmas carolers aren’t the real issue. The problem is that they are singing out of tune. In order to end the agony, you do the only thing you can: grab your BB gun and start firing through the mail slot at the carolers. Don’t worry! It’s only strong enough to leave a sting.
Question Five:
You have almost made it through the holidays! But, before you can sit back and relax with the new year, you need to face one last challenge: there’s no snow on Christmas morning. All of the kids in your neighborhood are devastated! What do you do to become the true “Christmas Movie Hero”?
A.) You have come too far to let a little thing like a green Christmas ruin your day. Since you aren’t skilled enough to control the weather, you do the next best thing: you put up enough Christmas lights to distract from the snowless day like a champ.
B.) This calls for the use of a serious, heavy-duty snow machine. However, it hasn’t been used in years and will require you to get inside and thoroughly clean it (and it just happens to be the size of a freaking RV). But, by crawling through the ductwork, you manage to fix the machine and bring snow to the neighborhood kids!
C.) Your heart is finally warming, so you decide to help out instead of just adding fuel to the fire. To accomplish this incredible feat, you climb to the very top of the nearest mountain and cause an avalanche. Yes, some houses were destroyed, but everyone survived! And now the little kiddies have snow on Christmas!
D.) In order to tackle a challenge like this, you will have to use your entire arsenal of tools. Well, actually, your mom won’t let you use the white, foamy shaving cream, so you have to put a sh*t ton of dish soap in the community fountain. It’s not technically snow, but it keeps the neighborhood kids entertained for hours!
Alas, Christmas is saved! So, which “Christmas Movie Hero” are you?
If You Answered Mostly . . .
A: Clark Griswold from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
All Clark Griswold wants is the perfect family Christmas. However, sometimes his plans aren’t exactly “thought out.” But that’s okay! Whether it’s having a 12-foot Christmas tree in his home, enough outdoor lights to blind the neighbors or a goofy cousin, Clark does everything for his family. Your style of saving Christmas entails some very wacky plans, but everyone loves it and they keep coming back for more!
B: John McClane from Die Hard
“Yippee ki yay, mother f*cker!” I don’t care what you say, Die Hard is a Christmas movie and deserves to be in some kind of hall of fame. Based on your answers, you are a true bad a$$ when it comes to saving Christmas! You are fully capable of stealing a machine gun from a heavily armed German, gunning down a cop car and even outsmarting the FBI! Your style of saving Christmas is a bit on the rough side, but you get the job done and no one will mess with you again!
C: The Grinch from How the Grinch Stole Christmas
The classic “villain-turned-hero” storyline, you truly are unique! Christmas may not exactly be your thing, but you come around eventually. Like the Grinch, it takes a few tries before you get the hang of the whole saving thing. But, after a burnt Christmas tree, a bit of party-crashing and the whole “stealing Christmas” shenanigan, the Grinch turns himself around and saves the day! Your style of saving Christmas is a complete contradiction: in order to save it, you need to cause a bit of mischief first.
D: Kevin McCallister from Home Alone
Kevin McCallister is arguably one of the most iconic movie heroes of the holiday season. For an eight-year-old kid, he is smarter than half of the people I know. When faced with impossible odds, you always find a way to outsmart the bad guys. Sometimes all it takes is wit, a staple gun and some paint cans. In order to save Christmas, Kevin learned how to depend on himself. Your style of saving Christmas involves always being one step ahead and having a crazy supply of ammunition.
Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals!
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