Ever have that moment where, right in the middle of a sexy make out or a good old toss in the sheets, your partner says something totally off-the-wall that absolutely kills the mood? It’s happened to most of us. The following is a list of phrases that never need to be used in the bedroom.
Warning: The following article contains explicit sexual verbage. User discretion is advised. (I’ve always wanted to say that!)
I want you to cum.
Yeah, dude, so do I, but you pressuring me isn’t going to make that happen any faster. It’s not some valve that I can just release on command, because, believe me, if I could, neither of us would have to work so hard, and sex would be a whole lot less disappointing to the female gender.
We are built differently. You so much as shift your weight at the wrong moment, and all that momentum you just sweated your ass off to build is gone. When I say “Right there,” or “Keep doing that,” or (my favorite), “don’t stop,” LISTEN to me! I’m close, and I know you’re about to screw that up.
Do you like that?
So, did you watch a lot of cheap porn starring terrible actors? If I’m moaning, panting, or making any kind of positive sound, the odds are good that I like it. This isn’t a pop quiz. I don’t like being tested when I’m trying to focus on getting off.
To answer: no, I hate that, which is why I let you do it to me for the last ten minutes. Stop asking stupid questions. If you aren’t sure if I like it, change it. If I don’t want you to stop, you’ll know. Otherwise, don’t ask questions to things you don’t want to hear the answer to. What are you going to do if I say, “No, actually, I hate that”? Just get up and walk out? I think not. Let’s skip that awkward moment, and just try moving your hips in a different way or something.
Talk dirty to me.
Look, I am ALL FOR dirty talk. I think it’s hot… when it happens naturally. The second you ask me to do it on command, I overthink it, and it starts sounding weird and forced. Just let whatever expletives come out of my mouth suffice.
If your idea of dirty talk is akin to that annoying girl who talks throughout the entire porno saying things that make you laugh more than get you hard, you’re screwing the wrong girl, and I’m not going to appease you on this one.
Can I cum on your face?
Seriously. Porn. Porn is the reason for all things awkward and weird in the bedroom. You’ll be having a dandy time, getting down and dirty with some hottie, and then some idiot decides to take a risk. Stop that.
If I could shoot a line of my own reproductive system on your face, would you like it? I don’t think so. You can put it ANYWHERE else – really, I don’t care, but not on my face dude. It’s gross, sticky, and the odds of it getting into my eye and causing some freakish random infection are higher than I’d like to have to explain to my gynecologist. Keep that one in your fantasies, or find a girl who claims she doesn’t mind it (she’s lying, by the way).
Can we watch porn?
This one treads along a fine line. I’m all for watching porn together… if you know what the other is into. I don’t want to expect something halfway tolerable, where the woman looks like she’s having a good time, only to have you choose some weird, triple X, hardcore banging. It’s not fun to watch because I know that the actress (or actresses, depends on how freaky you want to get) is either hammered or drugged out of her mind, and she’s probably in more physical pain than she’ll lead you to believe. Fellas – it does NOT feel good when you do it like that. Not now, not ever. If you try to rail me, I will toss you out of my room faster than you can jerk yourself off.
How many people have you been with?
Alright. If we are here just to hook up, it really shouldn’t matter if either of us has slept with two people or twenty. If you’re concerned about this, STD’s, or experience level, asking when we’re both naked and about to get it on is NOT THE TIME. Ask me beforehand. LONG beforehand. Don’t kill the buzz by asking something that can only end badly. Either way, someone ends up feeling sluttier, and the entire mood is ruined.
Let’s videotape this.
I’m not even going to go into the number of reasons for why this is a shitty, shitty idea. Yes, it can be kind of hot to think about in the moment. Doing something you’re not supposed to, and all that. But people, live action is ten times better than any replay. You don’t want that video making a debut appearance on YouTube or at some frat party. Just skip the tape and go right for the rubber.
Here’s to happy, hopefully “awkward phrase-free” sex.
X’s, O’s, Condoms & Bows,
Suz