It’s a friday night, and your friend calls you up, asking to go out to eat. After a week of eating dining hall food, you feel elated at the chance to break free from the canned fruit and chicken you’ve been feasting on. The only difficult part is choosing where to go. There are countless restaurants to choose from, but it’s likely that you’ll pick a classic, like Airliner or Formosa. Any restaurant you choose is a good decision, and you’re sure to love your meal wherever you go, but what happens after?
Yes, I mean the food coma. I mean the part where you spend half an hour on your neighbor’s futon rubbing your stomach and blocking the thought of food from your mind. Considering how great all these restaurants are, you’re sure to be a member of the clean plate club, even if your stomach is begging for mercy. We’ve all been there, and we all know what it’s like. So, we put together a list of classic Iowa City restaurants that you’re sure to have been to and have probably left feeling more than full.
Mesa
Mesa is a friend that you can lean on. You eat a slice of pizza, and it feels like the perfect meal. But since Mesa meals are in the form of a pizza slice, you consume it in less than two seconds flat. Because of this, you don’t even feel full! You feel on top of the world! So, you do it. You go back for another. But by the time you stand in line and actually get the pizza, you begin to feel full. You make it halfway through the second slice, and you begin to feel that you can’t go on. But you bought it, you’ll finish it. After you’re done, you feel like if you see food again, you will actually toss your cookies.
Shorts
You go to Shorts and get completely lost in their menu. You’re probably in between two burgers, one that you’ve had before and loved and another that you aren’t exactly sure what half of the ingredients are. The second one feels dangerous, so you order it. Inevitably, all of the mystery ingredients do not sit well with you, and your stomach spends the next two hours rumbling and telling you that you should have gone with your usual. You don’t really have a stomachache, but your stomach is very vocal about this food coma.
Formosa
You go to Formosa (on half price roll night, of course), so you order yourself three rolls because you’re feeling ambitious. They’re your favorite rolls, so you take a cute Instagram picture and devour them. You feel full, but it’s a good full. Sushi is fairly light, so instead of feeling like your belly is dragging you to the floor, you feel like you could lift into the air and take flight. You feel like a Pinterest girl with your stomach full of aesthetically pleasing sushi, and you really have your life together.
Hamburg
The menu at Hamburg is large, and it probably took you ten minutes to choose what high calorie breakfast item you’ll indulge on this time, even though it’s probably like three in the afternoon. But then, after you have your heart set on a giant omelet with a side of biscuits and gravy, you turn to the last page, and they hit you with Pie Shakes. You don’t just want a pie shake. You need one. After all is said and done, the food becomes one with you. This food coma is actually a permanent part of your being. In two hours, you begin to doubt that this fullness will ever leave. Finally, hours later, your mind brings up the idea of food again, after the longest food coma you’ve ever experienced.
Airliner
At Airliner, you probably will get either a cheeseburger or pizza, and you’ll feel satisfied. This food coma is pretty mild and won’t hit you too hard. But it is the type of food coma where it somehow consumes all of your thoughts. You’re probably silent for like an hour after you eat at Airliner, simply because your thoughts won’t drift from the massive amount of food you’ve just eaten. It’s all you can think about.
Cactus
At Cactus, you probably ate your weight in chips and salsa before your actual meal even arrives. Then, toss in a couple margs, and you don’t even notice how much you’ve eaten until it’s already happened. Afterwards, you’ve eaten more cheese than you thought was possible, and you end up asleep for two hours and wake up with a rumbly stomach ache that only spicy salsa could have created.
Pancheros
You tell yourself that if you go to Pancheros, you’ll get a burrito bowl, and it will basically be a salad. But, you get there, and you remember that every time, that has been a lie. And it is a lie today. You get a burrito, and you probably get extra queso on it too. Immediately afterwards, the food hits you. It forms a brick in your stomach, and you feel like you have definitely gained at least ten pounds.
First you order a pizza from Gumby’s. Alas, this is not enough. You need Pokey Sticks too. So, you order the largest size and just assume everyone else will chip in and eat some too. As the night progresses, maybe two of your friends nibble a little. You eat half a pizza and seven pokey sticks all by yourself. For a while, you feel okay. You eat another pokey stick. You suddenly begin to wonder, can your stomach explode if you eat too many pizza slices? Is it possible that you can actually get pregnant from a food baby? What if my stomach never goes back to its normal size after this much pizza?
Basta
Pasta is the cure for any problem you have. So, you order a freakin huge plate of pasta. After five bites, you think, I don’t even know if this is enough pasta for me. But then, after another five bites, you start think that this is actually a neverending bowl of pasta. It doesn’t get any smaller. Finally, when you have demolished the beast, you feel accomplished. Thirty minutes later, you find yourself on the couch, unable to move. Not because you’re tired or in pain, but because you think that something bad might happen if you move. You have reached maximum capacity, and it is not a good feeling.
So, there you have it. All of the restaurants in Iowa City, though their food comas may temporarily set us back but are delicious. Anywhere you choose to eat, you’re in for a tasty meal, but when you’re feeling iffy about the last few fries, think of the food coma they might bring and eat wisely.