Well, it’s that time of year again. The trees and flowers are blooming, the wind isn’t trying to kill us anymore, and the sun feels slightly warmer. It’s great! Lawn mowers are coming out and puffy coats and boots are going away. You know what this means, collegiates…it’s dress weather.
It’s about time, too. For most of us, this is amazing. The weather is purely liberating. It’s probably the most exciting thing since you got all those Express sweaters for Christmas. It’s the metaphorical American flag wrapped around us. It’s freedom between the legs. So, the first weekend it’s around 65 degrees out (actually not that warm, but we deal); we break them all out of the box. And wow. Oh wow. Pinks and periwinkle blues and sleek black and, wow, is that lace and satin? You trying not to hyperventilate, but it’s proving hard. Is this even, like, real life? Of course, you can’t wear ALL of these. I mean, you’re style has changed and, oh God, what if someone remembers the red one from last year. YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT.
“Get in loser. We’re going shopping.”
You tell yourself you can spend about 50, so you spend close to 90 bucks. It’s fine though. You need this. The winter destroyed all your self-esteem. YOU NEED THIS. But what to buy?
Good question. Here’s the deal. As we’ve discussed, dresses are great, but there is a definite fine line between a dress and shirt in today’s world. I mean, back in the day, woman bound themselves in huge cloths that restricted them from breathing or showing any skin. A form of torture possibly? No one knows for sure. Now, we’re doing the opposite. We can finally breathe (this isn’t a bad thing, really, just a comment on those darn corsets) and we show skin. Oh, we show skin. Butts and boobs for days. And there’s nothing wrong with it. As confident and sexy young ladies, we have a right to show off what we got.
BUT: We all stand on the street corner of sexy and slutty.
1) Butt cracks-Oh no! I’ve spilled my wallet of quarters all over the floor of Brothers. Drat! Now, I guess I got to bend down and pick these all up. WARNING: Wearing dresses that go more than two inches below the butt are preferable.
2) Nude-I am, like, so bored of black dresses. All the chicas wear black. I want-scratch that-NEED-something else. Tan. Yes, something tan. Like nude tan. PERFECT. The boys and girls will LOVE me. WARNING: Nude is unsurprisingly very nude.
3) Cleavage-Oh shoot! I’ve spilled my wallet full of pennies all over the floor of Union. Darn, not again! Bending down now. WARNING: If probability of a boob removing itself from the dress is extremely likely, resort to leaving copper on floor.
4) Heals-That’s it! I am so sick and tired of being that modestly short girl. Damn all those tall boys and their tall features. These stilettos will work. From this height of six feet, I can see all and all can see me. Look at me! WARNING: If you are struggling with common walking patterns when sober, do not attempt when drunk.
We all want to be sexy every once in a while. We feel good and confident with ourselves and that’s great. Because we don’t do it for anyone else but ourselves. We’re hot and we know it. Just tread carefully, because when you’re standing on the corner of sexy and slutty, life ain’t easy. So pop that boob back into your dress and go crazy, you sexy beast.