The time has once again come for good old thanks and giving. Although we all love the joy of saying how thankful we are for the things in our life like love, friendship and in state tuition, some things just don’t quite deserve our praise. I’m not talking about politics or a world disaster or anything like that – I’m talking about how your grandma, who may not be the best in the kitchen, finally has a stakehold in Thanksgiving and somehow leaves your stomach still growling afterwards. Maybe she thinks the end is coming and once again wants to provide for the fam or maybe dementia has harbored in her brain for too long and she can’t quite tell her oregano plant from that old plastic flower she has on her windowsill. Whatever the reason, maybe poor old grammy’s food just isn’t what it used to be. Remember sweetie, you’re no Gordon Ramsey and Grandma’s no Chopped contestant trying to fix her long term daddy issues or finally trying to become the breadwinner (or bread baker) that her family needs to survive. But, since you can’t roast her food on that special Thursday, we’re going to do it here. Here’s a definitive list of the worst foods your grandma makes on Thanksgiving, from best in show to green bean casserole.
1. Croissants
It’s hard to mess up a roll of Pillsbury croissants. However, Grandma for sure finds a way. You let her know you smell something burning, but she keeps the rolls in the oven anyway until a half hour has passed and the croissants are officially a piece of coal suitable enough for your sibling’s Christmas stocking. Do you put it on your plate? No. But, “A” for effort, Grandma.
2. Mashed Potatoes
Here’s the scenario: Grandma buys a bag of mashed potato powder that somehow will magically transform into mashed potatoes when you add some super secret ingredients like, 2% milk and butter. Well, Grandma used the brown sludge water that crawls it’s way from the crusty drainage of her house and that bottle of canola oil that’s been in her cupboard since your dad’s childhood. Is it good? No. But, compared to everything else, it’s not the worst thing on the table and so you plop some on your plate anyway.
3. Cranberry Sauce
Grandma got this from a can. It came in the can shape that we all know and love from our time grinding away in frat basements with some sort of yeasty beer. It’s not bad, but it reminds us of that cringey, one-night-stand that all started with, you guessed it, a can of Natty Lite. She carefully places it on her great-grandma’s-uncle’s fine china plate to dress it up, but the bad memories come back, nonetheless. Nice try, Grandma. Is it on your plate anyway? Sure, just like that cringey hookup.
4. Stuffing
Stuffing is pulled from the deep, nether regions of a turkey. Sure, some may fight me on this because it gives it “flavor” or whatever, but that doesn’t disguise the fact that it got to third base with a turkey without even taking it to dinner and a movie first. Is Grandma a pimp now? She was the one that hooked that turkey up with the stuffing. You don’t like thinking of Grandma as a pimp, but do you take the stuffing anyway? Sure. Just don’t think too much about where it’s been or the salmonella poisoning it may or may not give you.
5. Turkey
Grandma tried so hard to make the turkey just right. So, so hard. But unfortunately, it’s a little too big and grazed the top of the oven. It’s somehow burned on the outside, yet pink in the center. But this isn’t a steak, Grandma. Medium-rare poultry may be all the rage right now, but please don’t jump on this bandwagon. Will you take a slice? Maybe from the burnt top, but unfortunately, no one quite wants one of the extra moist center pieces.
6. Sweet Potato Casserole
Grandma disguised this suspiciously orange pile of sludge with mini marshmallows, but that doesn’t change the fact that it sucks. She added even more sugar to this mess of potatoes, but trust me, Grandma, it was sweet enough already. Sweet potato casserole belongs on the dessert table, or maybe just no table at all, because it doesn’t deserve to be a food. Same goes for you, yams. Is it on your plate? Nah.
7. Pumpkin Pie
You really held faith for the pumpkin pie, truly. However, Grandma just couldn’t get it right. Unfortunately, she didn’t realize that a can of pumpkin mush and a frozen shell does not equal pie and it comes out of the oven as a bland pile of pumpkin in an undercooked crust. Come on, Grandma, have you ever heard of pumpkin pie seasoning? It was literally born for this job. Do you take a slice? Yes. It’s dessert regardless, but you’ll definitely still crave Insomnia cookies afterwards.
8. Green Bean Casserole
Ok, so you had no faith for this in the first place. I would roast it, but the mere existence of it is insulting enough to Thanksgiving. Green beans are fine on their own, but Grandma defiles them by pouring a jar of mushroom soup over top. No, Grandma, this is just wrong. Is it on your plate? What do you think my answer will be? Your plate is a burned croissant and turkey skin. Go home and order pizza.
No matter how bad the food may be, face it, you’re still thankful for Grandma. She’s pretty lit. Just like the casserole she accidentally caught on fire. Shout out to all of the amazing grannies out there, you rock!