Ahh, the death of the situationship. Those of us who are chronically single know the feeling all too well. Depending on the length of it, you may only be mourning what could have been, or, if it lasted long enough, you’re also mourning what had been, which is just so much worse. Lots of hope goes into the possibility of a new relationship, and we as humans suffer from the tumultuous thinking that if we don’t get what we hoped for, we failed in some way.
Now that I’m older and I don’t rely on someone telling me I’m pretty as my only source of validation, I can observe the ending of my current situationship with a more mature lens. Yes, I’m mad. It sucks when things don’t work out and it sucks to think that someone gave up on you, or didn’t see you in the light you see yourself. But, what’s important to remember is that with every ending there’s a new beginning waiting for you.
So, as someone who is by no means an expert on this stuff, I can only offer my big sister, just-as-lost-as-you-are, somewhat encouraging advice on how to be the best version of yourself you can be when the thing you’ve invested your time in for the last three months finally comes to a halt.
Disclaimer: The following advice does tend to follow a heteronormative script.
1) Don’t redownload Tinder immediately
When we’re feeling rejected, the easy thing to do is to search for some instant validation. Being on a college campus, you know you’re dealing with a plethora of horny men engaging in a swiping frenzy, and who will most likely provide the type of instant gratification you are looking for. Here’s why this will only work for about five minutes.
I hate to generalize, but, um, I’m going to because I know I’m right. We’ve all seen the StorrsChicks “Tinder Tuesday,” where they capture the raunchiest most out-of-pocket things men have said to girls on dating apps in the hopes of receiving sex. Now, let’s say you got out of a situationship that wasn’t perfect but was for the most part built on the idea that two people respected each other and chose to give their time to one another. By going on Tinder immediately following a split, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. When you compare the way most men will talk to you on dating apps to the kinds of things your partner previously said to you, you’re just going to confirm the fact that you lost something good. Throwing yourself into dating apps will be entertaining for a few minutes, and then you may begin to feel hopeless about the rest of the fish in the sea. The comparison isn’t fair, and you shouldn’t let yourself get down about the possibility of future love.
2) Call Your Friends & Family
This may seem like an obvious one, I know. It’s sometimes hard to remember that partners come and go, but the people who have always been there for you aren’t “situations.” The relationships in your life that don’t make you question whether they will leave or stay, are the ones worth putting your effort into. Of course, it’s important to try new things, and experimenting with dating is necessary. But, let’s be honest, depending on the intensity of your situationship, you may have been a little checked out of what was happening in your friends’ lives while you were navigating your love life, we’ve all been there.
While it might feel good to wallow at what was lost for a bit, I’ve found that there are no better people than those closest to tell you what was wrong with the person you were with, and how you can do so much better. While your mom or brothers may not know much about this person you were spending time with because, well, you were waiting until you had something to tell, they care about your well-being. Remember who knows you best in your life and reconnect with them. While it is good to have someone care about you for a little bit, he’ll never know you like the people who have stayed present in your life. We sometimes take advantage of our close friends and family because these are relationships we know will always be there. But, just like anything that grows, these relationships need to be taken care of over time. The love you receive from friends and family could never compare to the feelings you had for someone who couldn’t even bring themselves to call you their girlfriend. Remember that.
3) Go on friendship date
Now, this is one I really encourage you to try. Maybe there’s that girl in your spin class you always run into but never hung out with because you’re just too busy. Part of dating romantically is the excitement of meeting new people, and who’s to say a similar excitement can’t be achieved by spending time with someone new in a platonic way? This, not to mention, would come with less anxiety and a need for validation as well. Building a relationship with someone that doesn’t involve obsessing about whether or not they like you is going to be so much less stressful, I can promise you that. Something important to mention is how good it feels to be a “girl’s girl.”
Let me explain. I feel like sometimes when I become involved with a guy, I get jealous, and every girl suddenly becomes my enemy. By taking a step back, I remember how awesome women are and how important it is to be socialized with diverse female perspectives. As good as male validation feels, it’s always fleeting, and there’s something so special and real about connecting and feeling validated by women you respect. So, no, It isn’t a waste of time to get to know some new people in your life and please, learn from the other women around you.
4) Put more time into your old hobbies
Now this one I am really serious about. The last situationship I was in consumed me. I went to school, worked, did the bare minimum I could of homework, and then most of my waking free hours were spent with a boy. I can’t blame myself for getting swept up, (okay, I’m a writer, we’re a bunch of romantics) but I can blame myself for tossing some other things that were important to me to the side. I wasn’t really writing, definitely wasn’t studying, and any spare time I had left was spent watching TV. This is a tough spot to be in because once the thing that was occupying so much of your time is gone, you feel a bit at a loss for what to do with yourself. Lucky for me, I recognized this early on. I got right to my laptop and started making up for lost time.
Being with someone shouldn’t mean sacrificing the parts of yourself that make you individualistic. If you find yourself slipping from your usual sources of pleasure and creativity, call yourself out. This is something that I was aware of when I was seeing someone but chose to ignore. Now that I have a little extra free time, I’m attempting to rediscover myself. As cliche as that sounds, there’s actually no B.S. to it. Being a free agent only means working on the parts of yourself you may have pushed to the side to make room for someone else. Let’s get back on track.
5) Look towards the future
The first step that comes in accepting unsettling things is denial. When it comes to realizing someone won’t be part of your life anymore, I think we look for ways to work around this: he’ll change his mind. Maybe you’re still waiting for the notification of his name to pop up on your phone because you just can’t help it. Maybe you can’t bring yourself to delete photos of the two of you that bring you back to fun memories. Maybe you’re still wearing his sweatshirt as you write this (oops!). Despite the things that keep you from moving on early after the breakup, there’s a part of you in the back of your mind that acknowledges you’ll have to let those things go at some point.
The only thing at this very moment that will bring you out of denial is hope. Nothing else is going to sound good, I can promise you that. Hope for the future of your life is what you must focus on. Hope that you will move to a city after graduation and be flooded with possibilities. Hope that you will finally figure out what you want to do with your life and score your dream job. Hope that love will find you, because it obviously will. Someday, probably not even far from now, you’ll look back on your college situationships and barely even be able to picture the faces of the guys you talked to, but that day is not today. Right now it’s real, and it hurts, but focusing on everything else in your life that is going to be beautiful is the best way to escape the denial that what has ended is already in the past.
Feeling any better?
It’s important to remember that however you’re feeling is valid. In today’s day and age, everything is defined by a label. In the past, two people spending every other day together, engaging both physically and emotionally would most likely be seen as something of a commitment, but it can be classified today as nothing if you never established the title of “boyfriend-girlfriend.” In college especially, it feels like men have the upper hand when it comes to hookup culture, while women tend to take what they can get. As Rhianna once said, it sometimes feels like “finding love in a hopeless place.” It’s almost a miracle to me when I hear about my friends getting into relationships. What do you mean he wanted to commit? But the reality is, we cannot be too hard on our experiences, what’s right will find us. So, why not spend a little time dating yourself and getting back to the person you are? Mourn this situationship, take the time you need because you have every right to be sad. Whether it was an easy fling or a whirlwind romance, it’s over now. Consider what it taught you and what you will bring to the table for future relationships.