Social hierarchies govern the world as we know it. Often when we think of these hierarchies, we think of individuals divided into classes by power, status, wealth, or authority. However, the past few years have brought about a new way for society to determine who is superior to whom by further dividing the world into those who are single and those who are taken. In a world where humans have become increasingly reliant on the pursuit of romantic love as a means of self-worth, those who have failed in that endeavor have been dismissed as less than those who have succeeded. This unrealistic and biased framework has fostered a stigma around being alone, treating single people as social pariahs, and ultimately reducing one’s value to their relationship status.
Essentially, we, the united single people (because naturally, I belong to this group), have been exiled to the bottom of the food chain. We are autotrophs, primary producers; perhaps we are swaying trees or flowers, using sunlight to feed our souls. We drift through the world all on our own, slowly and helplessly preyed upon by those above us, or, as they are more widely recognized, those in relationships.
I have been single for three years. That’s three years’ worth of birthdays, Thanksgivings, and Christmases where someone in a relationship, maybe my demented grandmother, my happily married sister, or my weird uncle, feels the need to provide me with unsolicited single advice. They may phrase it as a harmless question. Sometimes they offer it up as if it were some secret page from their own book, like they’re blessing me with exclusive access to their wisdom, even though it’s the most cliché phrase known to mankind.
I know I am not alone in this experience. So, here are some phrases every single woman has heard before, and what I think of them:
“it comes when you least expect it”
The world is riddled with hopeless romantics, praying for their serendipitous rom-com meet-cute with their soulmate, and I am one of them. In pursuit of a feeling that we are all so desperate to find, we consume a plethora of media focused on romance. We read books, watch movies, and listen to music, all united by the same romantic thread. The overabundance of unrealistic romances in the media has made society hyper-fixated on fairy-tale love stories. How can we “least expect it” when we are constantly preparing for it, constantly seeking a medium to mimic it, constantly trying to live vicariously through characters who have experienced it? And how can those who recite this phrase biblically claim to have “least expected it”?
“have you tried the apps?”
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard plenty of successful love stories that began on Bumble, Tinder, or Facebook Dating. Sue me for still wishing that one day, in the utmost 2000s rom-com fashion, I’ll be rushing out of a coffee shop, wearing a perfectly curated outfit, and I’ll spill my hot latte on a wealthy lawyer, cowboy, or nerdy sweetheart. Then, of course, we’ll fall in love and live happily ever after. There’s something about dating apps that feels inorganic to me: choosing the best photos of myself even though I never look like that, pretending to be a dog person, or saying I’m adventurous when I’ve actually never left the East Coast. Asking someone if they’ve ever tried the apps is like telling them they’re not worthy of that rom-com meeting. It’s like saying they probably won’t be lucky enough to find someone in their everyday life, so they should resort to creating an inauthentic online presence that dilutes the fundamental components of their personality in an effort to appeal to potential partners.
“you’re too picky”
This phrase suggests that women should settle for a partner they may not necessarily align with, simply for the sake of having someone. Phrases like these are designed to make women fear being alone. It implies that being with someone mediocre or bad for you is better than having no one at all. It also diminishes the agency of the secondary party in relationships and suggests that women are autonomous actors in deciding whether or not to pursue a romantic interest. Thankfully, there are a lot of counterarguments on the internet regarding this idea. Now, women are advocating for pickiness, explaining that it is important to pick your partner wisely because, ultimately, they will guide you through some of the hardest parts of your life. This advocacy is invaluable to single women. There is a lot of pressure on women to “give them a chance” or to “date around,” when the reality is that women know who is good for them and who is not, and “dating around” often feels worse than singlehood.
“But you’re such a pretty girl”
I understand this is meant to be a compliment. But in reality, it suggests that the only valuable thing a woman has to offer in a romantic relationship is her looks. Women yearn to be recognized for their thoughts and ideas, their personalities, and their values. We crave a world where we are regarded as more than just a pretty face. Phrases like these also emphasize the idea that perceived attractiveness is the key element in a romantic relationship. This makes women hyper-aware of whether or not others find them attractive. It also undermines the work women have done to dismantle the idea that a woman’s value is rooted in her attractiveness.
“Trust me, you don’t want a boyfriend”
This line almost always comes from someone who is in a relationship. It is just another way for people in relationships to assert dominance over single women, to offer “inside information” that no one actually asked for. In an effort to prove they relate to the single experience, they deliver this line with an annoyed tone that suggests they are miserable with their partner. The problem is these people don’t relate to the single experience, but they think being in a relationship gives them license to give advice.
“just focus on yourself”
This phrase assumes that the receiver has given up on the quest for self-love and has decided to focus all her precious energy on finding a partner. Trust me when I say that single women are focused on themselves. Friday nights are spritzes with friends, face masks, and reading too many chapters of a new book. Singlehood is being on a first-name basis with your yoga teacher, adopting a new hobby every week, and religiously taking your vitamins. Single women are the ambassadors of the self-love club, and when that effort goes unrecognized, it undermines everything it took to get there. Like a lot of these phrases, “just focus on yourself” is so blatantly obvious that it is almost insulting to hear from another person. For single women, focusing on yourself is not a lesson they need to be taught; it is a means of survival that is instinctive for us.
Single women have become easy targets for pity, as if our relationship status indicates that we are missing something fundamental in our lives. In the eyes of those in relationships, singlehood is not viewed as an active choice, but rather an impairment that you must learn to live with. In an effort to “help” single women cope with their “loneliness,” we are constantly on the receiving end of unsolicited advice, when the truth is, we are perfectly content with a quiet phone, a Friday night with friends, and a long wait for the right person.