Dear Future me,
The 2018-2019 academic year, I can say with the utmost confidence, was the hardest year of my entire life. A year full of confusion, doubt, frustration, and a whole lot of tears. Even while writing this.
The summer going into my freshman year of college I was on top of the world. Well, at least I tried to convince myself of that. But if I’m being honest, I had some pretty big doubts about what the year would bring and what my future would turn out to hold. Nevertheless, I brushed it aside and tried to escape the thoughts by spending my last days at home with close friends and family. I figured, “this is what all freshman are thinking right now, this is normal.” So there I was. Giggly, outgoing, happy go lucky, optimistic Melinda enjoying her last few days of summer, and to this day, the last few days I ever saw that girl again.
You never really believe someone when they say things can change in a blink of an eye. Not until it happens to you. You never expect your plans for your life that you’ve worked so hard to build, to come crumbling down and have to start all over again. Yet, here I am. Starting all over again. I started off the year at Marist College which is where I almost immediately lost myself. I never loved the school, but I knew one thing, I loved fashion. Which is why I ultimately chose the school for the fashion program I was accepted into. The first few weeks were nightmare fuel. Which again, it is for most freshman. Leaving behind your old friends, your room, your family and everything you’re used to and being thrown into something completely new can be absolutely terrifying. And terrifying it was. I have never felt more alone in my life than my first month of college. The surface level friendships became exhausting and trying to reach out to people that didn’t seem to care about me in the slightest was tearing down my confidence. Gradually, I became numb to it all. My daily routine shifted into more of a default setting rather than a life to be living. I woke up, went to class, skipped breakfast, went back to bed, and usually didn’t wake up or leave my room until absolutely necessary. I had this constant feeling of exhaustion and sadness while at the same time feeling literally nothing at all. I was just empty.
I eventually came to the realization that this empty feeling was unhealthy and I began to share how I was feeling with others. I told my mom, my boyfriend, and two best friends. But when I shared my feelings I realized it was near impossible to actually express how truly sad and lost I was. No words could even begin to fill the void I felt in my life. I knew then that a change needed to be made. So I sent out an application to transfer. Which was no doubt the best decision I’ve made so far, but most definitely not an easy one. The one trait that seemed to stay with me despite almost every other having vanished, was my solid determination. I will never not give something my best and most fair shot. So, I started to add or eliminate things in my life in hopes that something would spark an interest and get me to stay at Marist. Despite every last effort I had in me, I just knew I couldn’t. So I left. The end of the semester came slowly but surely, pushing through every single day I had to spend there. I packed up my things, said good bye to a few mediocre friends, and closed that chapter of my life.
And then, for the smallest sliver of time, I felt something I hadn’t felt in five painfully long months. Hope. There it was. What I’ve been craving and longing for, for so long was just right there in front of me and I could not only see it but I could feel it.
But then I blinked.
And I was exactly where I was before. Standing in the rubbles and ashes of some tall building that used to be there, but crumbled to the ground. Why me? Why now? Why can’t I just be happy? Will I ever be happy? The truth is, I can’t answer all of those questions swirling around in my brain every single second of every single day. I just can’t. The only thing I can answer is that I want it. I want it so bad that it’s wearing me down day by day not seeing any results or anything hopeful. I’m tired of the negative feelings and thoughts literally controlling all aspects of my life. I’m tired of not feeling joy in the things I felt before. I”m tired of not knowing who I am or who I’ve become. I’m tired of being tired.
As for all the questions I’ve left unanswered, only time will tell. Maybe now is my time to get it over with, maybe it’s me so it doesn’t have to be someone I love instead, maybe I can’t be happy because better things are on the way. But I hope you’re happier. I hope you found a sense of purpose and belonging and joy in this crazy, unpredictable life. I hope you can look back on these days and feel proud of how far you’ve come and for never giving up. But most importantly, I hope you got yourself back. Your giggly, outgoing, happy go lucky and optimistic self back. It took me until now to realize how truly special that bright girl was. I guess you never know the value of something until it’s gone. So do me a favor. Value her. If you got her back, don’t, I beg you, don’t let her fall through your fingers and slip away again. Don’t take the good days for granted. Hold on so tight to them and take every chance you get to be thankful for how your life has turned out to be. Because from where I’m standing, you got a second chance at life. A chance to start over completely from scratch. So do it right this time.
Sincerely,
Me. Whoever that may be.
Photo by https://burst.shopify.com/@lightleaksin?utm_campaign=photo_credit&ut…”>Samantha Hurley from https://burst.shopify.com/writing?utm_campaign=photo_credit&utm_cont…”>Burst