To Whom It May Concern,
Something is not right. I woke up today with an immediate sense of impending doom. Janine was nowhere, I repeat, NO WHERE to be found. As soon as I realized her lack of presence, everything started to go wrong. Janine is always the one who sets our alarm, makes our coffee, etc. Needless to say, I was late to work.
But when I got to work, things did NOT improve. The office smelled- and when I say it smelled, it was BAD. As soon as you crossed the office threshold there was no sweetness to combat the sweaty smell that permeated the entire zoo of cubicles. I felt faint. As I looked around, again, something was not right. WHERE WERE ALL THE WOMEN?
This is fine, this will be totally fine. It will be a guy’s day. Men amongst men. We could do it. I was not worried.
I immediately found Brad, our star employee. He looked at me, wild-eyed, and gasped out of his coffee, “I don’t know where they are.”
“Yeah, me neither Brad, but we’ll be fine, right?”
Brad gulped a frightened gulp. “It’s just…I…”
“What Brad? You can tell me.”
“I don’t actually know how to accomplish anything.”
“Oh…Oh god.”
It appeared that we would be in trouble. Upon reflection, I began to realize how much women in this office had done that no one gave them credit for. We always thought they were just bossy. Brad was so cool. He wore hats and said cool things like, “Cool your jets,” or “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.” But now no one knew what to do, and we were all afraid and sweaty and you could smell all of it right in the office door. I wasn’t even totally sure how to have good conversations with most of these people. I began to break out in hives, and I was also hungry. Janine always reminded me to pack a lunch. Again, I felt faint.
Maybe they’re all synced up. I’ve heard of that happening before. I DON’T KNOW! I’m so afraid. I’m hungry and sweaty and I’m so much stupider than I thought I was.
I had to leave. This couldn’t be everywhere, right? I fast walked my sweaty, faint, man-self outside hoping to see even one woman somewhere who would look at me with her soft features and let me know that the world would keep on turning, but alas, I found none.
This was when I looked outside of my man-self and realized what I had seen on social media but had not bothered to read. It was the day without women. They were all on strike. Trying to prove something to men. They were all somewhere, plotting (?), scheming (?), maybe they were in the bathroom all together (? That’s something they do, right?).
All I knew was that I needed the women back. Work closed early. I went home by myself and masturbated while reruns of Archer played in the background. I ate three slices of ham in the dark and the apartment was a mess and I smelled bad and had no one to talk to, so I just went to bed alone and laid there and vowed silently in my puddle of tears and sweat that I would never call a woman bossy or emotional, or tell her not to get her panties in a bunch again because my panties had been in quite a bunch all day and I finally got it.
So Janine if you’re reading this, please come back. All the women who are reading this, please come back. We need you. The world needs you. You aren’t bossy, you’re just important and you care about us so you try and make us see it. We do now. Come back.
Sincerely,
A John Doe who now identifies as a feminist.
*Disclaimer: This was written as a satire and if you didn’t get that then please read this and this. Thank you, happy International Women’s Day!*