Here is a small compilation of the most valued lessons my mom has taught me, along with the impact they have had on my development as an adult and a 21st-century woman. Though this may be biased, it is my belief that majority of young woman can relate and learn from the following wisdom.
1) Just Because They’re great doesn’t mean they’re the one
I figure it’s only fitting to begin with the lesson I’ve only just come to understand from my mother. Unfortunately, this one was rather bittersweet to come to terms with, especially when you are so convinced that the person you’re with is the one for you. They embody everything that the previous partner lacked, they embrace you for who you are, they support and motivate you, they, for the first time, make you feel like you stand out amongst the crowd (I know, very cliche, but who isn’t the embodiment of such when they’re in love?). However, when there’s something that deep down you can’t fight, an out of place feeling, an anxious gut-wrenching feeling that the life you may lead with this person is not the one you ever intended, then maybe it’s not the one you truly want. So, for once, you have to be the heartbreaker. You have to hurt this person whom you still love, but now know for better or for worse you’re not in love with, because after all, unfortunately, there is a difference. Try as you might to love and to be in love are so very vastly different from one another, and even though this person may be textbook perfect, that doesn’t mean they’re perfect for you.
2) It’s okay to be selfish sometimes
Traditionally, no one is ever taught to be selfish, parents try above all else to craft their kids into compassionate and thoughtful humans, which I feel to be true in terms of my parents. I was always encouraged to take into consideration the effects my actions may have on others, but an important distinction my mom always enforced was to not do so to the point of people-pleasing; don’t allow the fear of disappointing others to influence you to not live the life you want. The aspect of this lesson that I can appreciate the most is that it pertains to friendships, relationships, and any other acquaintances you may find yourself in. It can be hard to go against the learned habit of trying to please every individual whose opinion you value or desires you wish to fulfill, but in the end, it is important to acknowledge that though there is significance in how you treat others, there is also importance in leading a life that is motivated by completely self-interested decisions. I think this lesson is meant to exemplify that a life led for others will never be one you are in complete ownership of. It’s draining to attempt perfection in hopes of meeting every person’s expectation of you, so even though some choices you make may not align with what another wants, it is OK to choose a path, decision, etc. that you feel is right for yourself.
3) Don’t rush your own life
“I can’t wait to be older” is a statement I think I’ve made every year since discovering what growing up is. It’s hard not to crave for time to pass when media and the world in general put such emphasis on certain landmark years, when you’re 9, you can’t wait to be 10, when you’re 12 you can’t wait to be 13, when you’re 15 you can’t wait to be 16, when you’re 17 you can’t wait to be 18, and when you’re 20 you can’t wait to be 21, it gets pretty bleak after that though (just kidding!). In the excitement of these impending years, we completely forget to enjoy the age we are right now, allowing ourselves to live in a haze until we reach this “desired” period of our life that everyone assures us will be so vastly different from any other time of our life. For instance, I turned 19 this year, and my first thought was, how fast can this year go by until I officially enter into my 20s, completely disregarding that this is my final year as a teenager. But, whilst I was urgently trying to rush ahead, my mom encouraged me to enjoy each period of my life, even the ones I can assure you I took no pleasure in being a part of (reference to middle school). Each period, though as uncomfortable as they may have been, has taught and developed me.
4) only change for yourself
At every pinnacle in my life, I have wanted to change. And like every hormone-driven teenager, rarely did I want to do so for myself. Conformity isn’t anything new for girls, especially when we are constantly bombarded by a new media perspective to adapt to. So, every major or minor tweak I made to myself was done so I could appear prettier, skinnier, funnier, better. And even when I achieved some semblance of perfection, I still wasn’t satisfied. When I looked to my mom for comfort, she gave me a reality check instead (a caring and comforting one of course). She explained to me that self-change is only satisfying when you do it for yourself. No change you make to yourself will satiate you if your goal is acceptance from someone else. I came to terms with this idea mostly after my first heartbreak. I changed my hair, my style, I started applying makeup daily, and I became more outgoing, but all that faux confidence masked a deep desire to be seen by someone who wouldn’t notice me — not even if I walked around with a neon sign that screamed “Look at me, look at me!” And though maybe I looked “better,” I still felt exactly the same. I only started to feel true self-worth when I separated my growth from validation.
To Close (A little note to my mom)
There are so many exceptional women to look up to in this world, but if I could resemble any of them, I would always choose you. I aspire to be someone you respect and are proud of. Despite my reflections on living for yourself, I will always value your opinion and wisdom. Above all, you have shaped not only the person, but the woman I intend to become. I love you always.