October is a busy month: Breast Cancer Awareness month, Halloween, National Pasta day, Columbus day and many others crowd our Facebook newsfeeds with ways to be aware or how to celebrate. But there’s one title October has that might not be as well known to some, and it is Domestic Violence Awareness month.
What does this mean? This means that just like all the other causes we support all month long, organizations strive to promote awareness and education about domestic violence. Foundations like One Love and Mary Kay try to educate people on signs of dating violence and unhealthy relationships. The words “Domestic Violence” and “Dating Violence” are used interchangeably when describing a relationship that is mentally, emotionally, or physically abusive. An emotionally abusive relationship can be harder to see because it does not leave physical marks but it can still leave lasting scars. Many people are not aware what the signs of an unhealthy relationship might look like, often because in our current dating climate they might come as mixed signals. An unhealthy relationship can come in all forms, intimate or friendly, and whether it be with a friend or a partner, you should never feel as though you are lesser or smaller and that who you are is not enough.
To better understand the signs of dating violence and unhealthy relationships and know when to speak up when a friend might be in trouble, here are some warning signs to keep on your radar.
Cell Phone Use
In this day and age, all we really want is just a text back. Is that so hard? But when the texts back become too much, this is where the line in the sand becomes more visible. If the texts become demanding or too excessive, it might be time to pay attention. Often in controlling relationships, receiving texts asking where the person is and who they’re with all the time can be draining. A person should not have to explain to someone who they’re with 24/7 or provide proof as to where they are. In a healthy relationship, a partner should be able to trust the other to live their day to day life without feeling insecure about where the other is.
Possessiveness and Dependency
The texting can be another sign for a partner who might be possessive and dependent. Often in an unhealthy relationship, there is a level of dependency. They might say things like “I would die without you,” or “No one will love you like I do,” which can make the other person feel trapped. These types of phrases can be a lot to handle and can make someone feel as though outside of this relationship, there is nothing else and that they’re not worthy of love anywhere else. A partner should be able to make the other feel loved and that they, as an individual, are worthy of love. A person’s independence should matter to their partner and they both should be able to be together and also apart in a healthy way.
Isolation
Often when a relationship becomes emotionally or physically abusive, a person might start drawing away from friends and family. The possessive behavior can make someone feel guilty for being with anyone other than their partner, especially if the group they’re with is mixed genders. It can be easy to feel guilty for being anywhere else even in typical day to day life. An abusive partner will start to pull their partner farther and farther away from the people who are important to them to “keep them for themselves”. A good partner should be excited to be with the other’s friends or family, and also be secure enough to let them visit by themselves.
Erratic Mood Swings
One red flag for a potentially abusive or unhealthy partner that should be well noted is erratic mood swings. It is natural to get angry and yell in a fight but when the moods are sudden and violent it can become a dangerous situation. Take note of any explosive behavior because even if the person doesn’t aim their aggression towards a person on one occasion, it might be a different story if it happens again. If someone ever lays a hand on you or a friend, it is time to get help; tell a friend or call a hotline.
Verbal Abuse
Relationships don’t have to be physical for them to be domestically violent. Any emotional abuse or verbal abuse can be just as scarring. Constantly putting the other down, saying they’re not worthy of love, or not making someone feel like the best version of themself is not acceptable. Words can hurt just as much as hands. Even simple phrases said again and again like, “Don’t show off your body so much when I am not around,” or “Don’t wear that it makes you look fat,” might seem like just a small dig, but they can lead to decreased self-esteem and self-doubt. A partner who constantly puts the other down can lead to isolation from friends and things that once made them happy, and should be a sign that this person is not the right person to be with.
You should always have a list of things that can make or break a relationship, and violence, emotional abuse, and possessiveness should be on the deal breaker side. You should always remember that a friend or a partner should make you feel like a better person when you’re around them, because you are enough and absolutely worthy of true love.
If you or a friend need to speak to anyone on how to leave a relationship or to get help, Uconn Center for Mental Health Services can provide assistance along with national hotlines.
Counseling and Mental Health Services 337 Mansfield Road, U-1255 Storrs, CT 06269-1255 Phone: 860-486-4705 Fax: 860-486-9159 Arjona 4th floor
Open Monday – Friday 8:30am-4:30pm