All throughout high school, I used to dream about the American college experience. Growing up watching Bailey Pickett go to Yale (niche, I know) and the Barden Bellas crushing that Pitbull mash-up (not like I have any musical talents), I desired the feeling of dancing in a frat basement, sharing a shoebox dorm, and finding my people — however cliche that might sound. I knew I wasn’t pursuing a traditional career path in medicine or engineering, which is what the two top campuses at the University of Puerto Rico are known for, so I set my sights on the US. Having previously traveled to the States to visit family and take a classic NYC trip, I thought I knew what to expect. Little did I know that weeklong visits do not equal a four-year stay — something my naive 18-year-old brain had yet to discover.
Ignorance really is bliss
When I stepped foot on the University of Connecticut’s campus, I was transfixed. It looked exactly like the movies, with perfectly trimmed lawns, buildings dating back to the 1800s, and, of course, the cows. The first few weeks were a thrill. Walking through the Involvement Fair was overstimulating yet exciting, trying new dining halls felt like trying different restaurants, and my roommate and I were becoming best friends. I was on a high, and nothing could pull me down from it — college was everything I imagined it to be and more.
However, with time came new people, and with those people came some strange interactions. Let’s speed round some of my favorite questions I’ve been asked (and what I hoped I had answered), shall we?
- Do you think Puerto Rico should be a state? Well, I’m not a political ambassador for Puerto Rico, and that is a very complex topic, but I would say no.
- Are you an international student? It seems like someone didn’t pay attention in history class, here’s a short video to get that cleared up.
- How do you get from Puerto Rico to Connecticut? I obviously paddled here on my canoe, duh.
- Doesn’t it cost you a lot of money to attend UConn? My financial situation is really none of your business, but it does cost money to take a flight if that’s what you’re asking.
Now, I don’t want to come off harsh. It’s natural to be curious, especially in college, where you’re surrounded by people of different backgrounds — sometimes for the first time in your life. But it’s all in the way you approach it. Most, if not all, of these questions came right after I said I was from Puerto Rico, which just showed the complete and utter ignorance of these people. The pattern grew exhausting, and it got to a point where I dreaded the “Where are you from?” question because it would open a can of worms. Coupled with the increasingly cold weather (soon to introduce seasonal depression) and my semester not quite going as planned, these interactions soured my idealized version of college and put me in a negative headspace.
Where do I fit in?
As the freshman high ran low, I felt a bit lost. The dining hall food became a dreaded chore (I’m looking at you, seared tuna), sharing a room felt taxing, and the dorm floor friend groups became cliquey instead of welcoming. To get out of this funk, I attended a meeting of PuRSA, the Puerto Rican Student Association. I had already met some of the members, so I thought it would be a nice mood booster. I also hung out with other fellow Puerto Ricans, trying to make new friends and stay connected to my culture, but they just didn’t stick. And since I’m not one to force something that’s not there, I stopped hanging out with them, muted the group chat, and went on with my life — unintentionally distancing myself from a direct source of my culture.
While it didn’t hit me all at once, I did feel far away from my roots. I still hung out with some friends from high school, and I met my now ex-boyfriend (eek) through the club, but I still felt off. The best way I can describe it was feeling “fake.” I thought there was no way to be Puerto Rican and go to frat parties or exclusively speak English with my friends because that’s not what anyone else was doing. This time, for me, was riddled with inner conflict, affecting my personal confidence and overall mindset. After all, how could I live my culture right if I didn’t know how? And what even is living your culture right anyway?
Finally feeling settled
It wasn’t until junior year that I felt somewhat settled, and that wouldn’t have happened without my initial discomfort. Although it was hard, I refrained from staying in my comfort zone, and I tried new things. Throughout my freshman and sophomore years, I honed my writing passion and joined Her Campus (maybe you’ve heard of it) and took a Creative Writing class that helped me express myself in a different medium. From that class, I got the opportunity to read an original short story at the Long River Reading Series, and while it was nerve-wracking, it was the proudest I’ve ever felt of myself. I also got super into journaling and learned how to crochet (can you tell I was in my grandma era?), both of which worked wonders for my mental health and stress management.
And what does this have to do with my culture, you might ask? As I got to know myself through exploring different hobbies and passions, I grew more confident and secure as a person. While this didn’t happen overnight, all the effort and care I poured into myself translated into my feelings about my Puerto Rican identity. I got to the point where I realized I didn’t have to prove myself to anyone or fit into a mold that wasn’t made for me. I can still listen to Taylor Swift’s entire discography while air-frying frozen tostones from Walmart, and I can say I prefer reading in English rather than Spanish. And guess what? That doesn’t make me any more or less Puerto Rican.
DID I GET MY IDEAL COLLEGE EXPERIENCE?
Now that I’m reflecting on the expectations I set for my college experience, I realize they were complete bullsh*t. The core of the college experience is about finding out who you are and making mistakes while you’re at it, and boy, did I make a lot of those. It has nothing to do with the parties, bars, the massive friend groups, or even the extracurriculars you join for that resume boost. Those things are all great add-ons, but they are not the entirety of the experience, and that’s where I went wrong.
I won’t sit here and say I wouldn’t change a thing; that would probably be a lie. But I will say that I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and I’ve never been prouder to be from Puerto Rico. My culture gave me a unique experience throughout these past four years, and I’m excited to carry that perspective for whatever comes next!