College used to be this far-off idea; now I’m at the finish line of my first year.
The week before move-in day felt like impending doom. Was I ever going to have friends? What the hell are the next four months of my life going to look like? Will my classes be difficult? How much homework am I going to have? What if I don’t like my school?
Well, considering that I’m still here, I’d say things worked out okay. I’m eternally grateful for the friends I’ve made, for the memories we’ve shared, and for my own ability to remain focused. But even with these living and friendship changes, I could tell it was more than that; my own personality and outlook on life shifted.
Don’t care mentality…Sorta
High school is notorious for lowering a teen’s self-confidence. Coming out of high school, a giant weight of academic and peer pressure lifted off my shoulders. I thought college would be my opportunity to finally let it all go.
While the University of Connecticut is a lot more freeing, social anxiety still weighs heavily on my soul. But a big change I noticed since coming here? It’s harder to care about what others think anymore. To be honest, I don’t even feel the need to. I’ve found myself constantly wondering why I cared about what clothes would blend in the most or how pale my skin was. And this comes from a girl who doesn’t even have a super adventurous style.
Maybe it’s the big school, or the fact that I don’t see the same people every day, but it’s nice not having to be so concerned with how others see me. I’m my own person, and the last thing I need is someone passing judgment on me, especially when they have no idea what brought me here.
Do I still feel the need to look presentable? What about wearing makeup, or worrying about how greasy my hair is? Those are things I don’t think I’ll ever escape on or off campus. While looking presentable on campus is preparation for dressing for future jobs, sometimes we’re tired, running late, or having bad days. It’s alright.
But it doesn’t bother me the same. I don’t feel like I owe it to anyone to look perfect at all times anymore.
Learning to be alone
You’d think at a college with over 20,000 students, it’d be hard to get alone time. But honestly, I’ve found plenty of time to wander around campus on my own or relax in my dorm by myself. I like being left to my own thoughts, without (sorry Mom and Dad) parents constantly trying to talk to me about an exhausting day.
But at the same time, it can be hard when all I want to do is talk to my parents about my exhausting work, school drama, or what they’re up to while I’m gone. What makes it even worse is when I am having a bad day, and I can’t just cry. I must trek up the Towers steps, then my building’s three flights of stairs, and then let it all out. Totally not speaking from experience…
Sometimes I want so badly to talk to my mom and talk it out with her, but a part of me wants to learn how to handle things on my own. It’s a constant battle between my old ways vs. my new ones, but sometimes, it’s a lot easier to have someone you care about to talk about things with.
At the same time, sitting with my thoughts allows me to craft my future better and figure out my wants. It’s peaceful to walk alone at dusk with my music blasting and just… relax. Eating alone has never been a problem for me, and I honestly think it’s silly for others to be so worried that they’re eating lunch alone from time to time. When you’re constantly surrounded by people, taking the time to be by yourself feels so refreshing, like a social battery reset.
NOt Everyone wants to talk
Going into college, I had this expectation that everyone was looking for a new friend, so of course, people are going to be super friendly and receptive, right?
Most of the time, it felt the complete opposite. Whether it be at the insanely awkward orientation or the first week of classes, most of the people I sat down with weren’t talkative. Conversations felt one-sided, dry, or just straight-up awkward. Part of it was due to the anxiety of starting somewhere fresh, of course, but other times, it felt like people would rather be quiet and alone rather than try having small talk. So, when I got to school and realized, dang, not everyone agrees, it was a little disheartening to me.
Coming from someone who abhors small talk of any kind, I still tried. I don’t get the deal around not. Sure, if you don’t want friends, you don’t have to try. But if you are trying to meet people, sometimes small talk is the first step in forming a bond. It’s one of the most awkward things to try, but giving it a shot can lead to flowable conversation and potential chemistry!
Making Friends
Although a different part of me sees others’ reluctance as a saving grace. Nearly all my friends I met here weren’t in a tiny lecture hall. Through various adventures on Friday and Saturday nights, I found some people I thought were kind of cool.
Together, we meet up and get dinner, study and laugh while annoying everyone on Homer Babbidge Library’s second floor, and have our fair share of fun adventures or strange encounters.
I’ve never considered myself to be a super social person either. Throughout high school, I was quiet, kept to myself, and was constantly reminded that not many people knew who I was. To be honest, college isn’t much different, which has helped me understand that it doesn’t really matter.
But coming to college, I was surprised to meet people I enjoyed spending my time with. Constant laughs, silly surprises, and more Bridgerton nights await. It also helps to have a pretty awesome roommate, if I do say so myself.
I know there are plenty more years here, so I just keep reminding myself: don’t be nervous. It’s okay to take chances. Show up to the hangouts and just talk.
Responsibility
High school was so much different than college, especially in the responsibilities of the students. What do you mean a teacher or professor isn’t going to publicly shame me when I get to class a minute late? What do you mean, I can skip class? What do you mean, I have to remind myself to apply for jobs or take opportunities?
It was intimidating at first. I struggled to balance my work with my free time and didn’t feel outside pressure to. I had to become my own guidance counselor and figure out all my interests and obligations in what felt like such little time.
I developed this constant productivity mindset that I felt I lacked in high school most of the time. The change of scenery and location assisted this, because I found myself stuck in it for the first few days I spent back home. I went from a super lazy high schooler who couldn’t even put her dishes in the dishwasher to cleaning the dishes I baked with. My parents will probably say I haven’t changed, though. In my heart, I have.
College has been for the best. I feel like I’ve already learned more than in my four years at high school, and I can’t believe I’m writing this at the end of my freshman year. How can time seem to move so slowly, yet fly by at the same time? I’m hoping, in my next years, I’ll be able to meet even more people, explore new music, and expand my creativity and capabilities. Oh, and learn to call Mom more.