Dear Santa,
How are you? It has been a while since I have written, and this is because I have been very busy doing less fun and more stressful things. I hope things are going well in the North Pole. As I’m sure you have seen, I am in shambles.
Life feels increasingly out of my control. This may sound sad to you, as you eat cookies and control elves all day. I, however, have been suffering in the realm of higher education, and there are several things I could use from you this Christmas to make it all a little better.
First of all, I would love a clean slate. You may be unsure of what this means, but I mean physically and also mentally. I have accrued a fair amount of scars, emotional and otherwise, from my nights out while trying to metaphorically escape from the arduous day-to-day tasks I am given. I would like something that could possibly cover and/or heal the bruises and scars that I have all over my legs from God knows what, and also a few therapy sessions for those evenings that I know you know about and would very much not like to talk about here in this letter.
Perhaps this year we should go right to the root of the problem instead of doing damage control, I’ll leave that up to you. But I would also really like some motivation. You see, many of the classes I take are great right up until about week 8, and then I start napping twice a day and I also stop cooking for myself and begin a strict diet of bread products only. Another thing I forgo around this time (actually, all the time) is the gym, and I would really love to enjoy the gym. What you can do here is give me some drive to be a better human and also perhaps money so that I can afford things that aren’t bread products. If you could also make salads vastly more enjoyable I would be forever indebted to you (I know I already am, but please?).
On the note of debt, please do something about the thousands of dollars that I am literally throwing into Mirror Lake every single day so that I can maybe have a job and maybe feed myself more bread products a couple years from now. Not sure what you can do about that, but literally anything would be appreciated.
Also, a year’s supply of tissues would be good because I have started myself on a strict regimen of daily crying that is both horrific and cathartic.
Additionally, I would love for you to create a dating app that doesn’t make me want to die and is full of handsome men who like to read and be nice to other people. I understand this may be impossible, so maybe just create a university filled with those types of men and give me a need-based scholarship.
On that note, I would also like to request an extensive vacation package for that one guy who I see everywhere who I met that one night. Something nice, because I’m sure he’s a decent enough person, but something long, because I would like to never look at his face again.
Finally, I would like you to set fire to social constructs. Particularly: GPA, gender roles, not stealing dogs from people, waking up, smiling at people, not sleeping in public, pants, being sober before 5 p.m., not using profanity, getting a degree, and finally, flossing.
I would very much understand if you decline to bring me any of these things and bring me coal instead. This would not surprise me, and I would respect your commitment to traditions. Just as long as you remember to pick up after your reindeer, because I honestly cannot handle any more shit at this point in my life.
Love always and safe travels,
A very tired collegiette.