The following is a brief manifesto on the death of chivalry and courtship in modern-day dating.
The social media epidemic
Given the probability of this content being consumed by most likely only individuals within the Gen X to Gen Z radius, I am sure that social media is no foreign concept to all of you. Though its existence has created more issues for the masses, its participation rates never seem to truly dwindle. Sure, I understand the appeal, I mean who hasn’t scrolled through their camera roll for two hours picking out the perfect photo of themselves to display to their following (most of whom they probably have never have and never will speak to), which was probably edited or modified to some degree, just to show off their last vacation, new article of clothing or, let’s get real, just a really good picture of ourselves. Every like, every comment, every interaction is an adrenaline rush. For a split second, it makes us feel seen and comfortable in our own skin because someone else is acknowledging our existence.
And to reaffirm, I am no hypocrite, of course I am on most, if not all, relevant social media sites, occasionally seeking that same high from attention. Of course, this is also the quickest way to get the attention of someone you maybe fancy, a way to show them that you guys have the same interests or put forward a photo of yourself that puts you in the most flattering light. Though it can be temporarily rewarding, if they show some acknowledgment with your feed, this interaction is fleeting. Sure, they liked or even commented on a photo of you with a full beat, hair done, and skimpy outfit on, but is that your 24/7? I think what we collectively neglect is that social media shows a fabricated reality, it shows our 20, not our 80; and while its congratulating to be commended at our best, real connection occurs when we see one another at our worst and choose to stick around not in spite of our flaws, but because of them.
Dating App Debacle
Tinder? Bumble? Hinge? Any of these treacherous apps ringing a bell for you, ladies? Unfortunately for most of us, these apps are a trap that we have or will fall into in bouts of curiosity and/or drunken despair. Though the instant gratification of a swipe or match can be appealing, they rarely lead anywhere good if anywhere at all. As an unfortunate connoisseur in the dating app field, let me be the one to break the news to you that the chances of finding a genuine connection on a platform that lets you set dating goals to “short term” is shockingly not high, and most likely you will be the rule, not the exception. Not to say that some wonderfully fulfilling partnerships probably haven’t been crafted on these godforsaken apps, but in my experience, the only time I’ve encountered satisfaction from any of them is when I hit delete.
With that being said, will I most likely stumble my way back to them at some low (probably intoxicated) point in my life? Yes, most certainly, I’m by no means a saint. Frankly, going cold turkey is not for the weak. The instantaneous response that this virtual vice provides is a hard one to shake, but unfortunately, the romantic in me yearns more for the unexpected connection that blooms face to face, wholly apart from the screen. An intimacy that isn’t the result of rapidly scrolling left and right, based purely off of aesthetic, but rather the slow burn of deep understanding and friendship; think Jim and Pam, not Huda and Jeremiah.
Great expectations & Greater disappointments
Have any of you guys heard of that joke where the minute you tell your friends and family about a guy or girl you’re seeing, suddenly they disappear from the face of the earth or do you so disgustingly dirty that hearing their name becomes a humiliation ritual? Or is that just me…. Unfortunately, this has very much been a reality for me, or more so a curse than anything. It’s almost as if the excitement of meeting someone you might actually want to pursue should just be an omen to stay far, far away. Though I do have to wonder, if maybe this disappointment comes from the over-romanization of a person when we know so little about them. It’s fun to picture them having all of the aspects we could ever want in a partner when they haven’t proven to us yet all of their undesirable attributes. I think it’s safe to say most of us have developed a crush, or maybe even began talking to someone with whom we barely know, but regardless start to develop an internal dialogue with. We start to imagine different scenarios in which a real relationship may bloom. This might be slightly selfish as it doesn’t really give the other person a word edge wise, but hope can make people a little delusional; and trust no one is without a fraction of delusion when the heart is involved.
the good ol’ days
Speaking of delusion, I would have to argue that my illusory tendencies are not entirely of my own design. With all the mainstream media we intake every day, these ever-developing themes of the plea for love make it hard to not romanticize our own lives. From books to television to the addicting edits we see plastered on our TikTok and Instagram reels, it feels like I am being love bombed no matter what content I consume. We are given an infinite number of tropes to compare to our own love lives, enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, right person wrong time, love at first sight (the biggest fallacy of them all), etc, etc. And all of them promise of some grand conclusion where two people miraculously come together despite all opposing forces keeping them apart. Nice thought, right? While I’d love for someone to show up at my New Years Eve party and tell me, “When you meet the love of your life, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible,” or hell even meet a guy worth saying, “you had me at hello,” the reality is love in the real world is far less theatrical. Shockingly, most couples don’t get together with a dramatic kiss in the rain while “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls plays in the background. And while I used to yearn for those big gestures and proclamations of love, I can appreciate now the simplicity of true connection and loyalty. To love someone is to see them, I suppose, and maybe to truly be seen isn’t in grandiose public displays of affection, but in the calm and continued pursuit of understanding.
Is it ever casual?
I think it seems only fair that I conclude my rambling with the basis for this article; is it ever casual? To be completely transparent, I don’t have a definitive answer. If you were to have asked me this question last year, or even last semester, I would have undoubtedly answered that casual relationships were achievable, if not preferable to ones of greater substance. Having been in my most Samantha Jones era in that period of my life, the idea of having the physical aspect, without the strings and hardships that come with a committed relationship seemed like a hell of a deal. Perhaps it was triggered by just getting out of a suffocating relationship myself and finally feeling a sense of blissful freedom, but my stomach churned at the thought of ever entertaining having a boyfriend again. And, in the most cliche college girl way, I took full advantage of said freedom. Each interaction was an adrenaline rush that lacked all forms of substance and a part of me truly liked that I felt no connection to any of them. But with such a high, there comes the inevitable low of realizing how devoid you’ve become of sincerity. Or even worse yet, in the peak of your pursuit for the single experience you meet someone unexpected and gradually, and then all at once, you feel the shift inside of you. What was born from the occasional physical attraction, has you smiling at your phone, waiting on bated breath for their next text, next call, next interaction, and suddenly you want to see this person before the hours of 12 am; they become real and what you think you have starts to feel real. So, you settle for the ambiguity of whatever it is that you two are because you agreed this was fleeting. You suppress the growing comfortability and force yourself to reject the idea that this is more even though deep down you can’t fathom how they could possibly not feel the same. And at the inevitable crash and burn of this dalliance, you try and retreat to your old ways of indifference. But even when you swear you’re done with them, the mark they left still lingers and a depraved part of you hopes maybe one day it could work even though you know it never could, and that you could never except that kind of treatment again. So, you move on, but never really forget.