Spring has sprung and you know what that means… darty season is upon us.
Stage 1: The Plan
You hear some girl in your bio class talking about a darty at 2:00. You have class at 2:00, but for the first darty of the spring semester you’re willing to skip. You text your squad, and alert them to the news.
Stage 2: Getting Ready
You rummage through the bottom of your drawers and pull out tank tops you haven’t worn since middle school. Why do you suddenly own no cute clothes? Unfortunately, because darties are during the shining bright day and not in a dark basement like a frat party, you can’t get away with wearing the flowery dress with the stain on the bottom. Damn.
Stage 3: The Hunt
The house you think the darty is at is never the one it’s actually at, so you wander. You wander so, so far, hoping for any indication of frat bros shotgunning some brewskis in the distance. Eventually, you see a herd of girls in crop tops so you follow them (these girls look mad young though. Are they in high school? Shouldn’t they be worrying about the prom? Probably.)
Stage 4: The Arrival
You finally make it to the darty. You always walk in thinking it’s going to be like those sick college parties in the movies with blow up pools and kegs everywhere, but it never is. Disappointment. If you’re one of the chosen ones and didn’t show up too late, some guy will hand you a warm Natty Ice that tastes like what you imagine pee to taste like. Yum. Can we petition for the new darty drink of choice to be Mike’s Hard?
Stage 5: Getting Down & Dirty
The darty is in full swing. Whatever rapper UConn has for their spring concert is playing in the distance and some drunk guy is either trying to jump off a roof or body slam a beer pong table. You realize this guy is probably going to have children someday. It concerns you.
You see girls walk in who look like they just hopped off the bus to Coachella, sporting $200 outfits from Urban Outfitters. It makes you wonder; why do so many girls at this school look like Instagram models? Not fair.
One of your friends has to go to the bathroom. You prepare yourself for the worst. The bathroom in the house hosting the darty is straight up disgusting. There’s no toilet paper, the shower curtain – for some reason – is always on the floor, and you feel a twinge of pain for the sucker who gets stuck cleaning this disaster zone up.
Stage 6: Over It
After an hour, you’re over the darty. It’s hot, it’s sweaty, everyone smells, the rations of lukewarm watery, beer have run out, and cops linger on the outskirts, threatening to shut it all down. You’ve been awkwardly standing in a circle with your friends for the majority of the party, taking Snapchats pretending to be having the time of your life. Your mind keeps wandering to that Netflix show you’re on.
Stage 7: Drunk Food Order
You’re slightly tipsy, sunburnt, and your legs hurt from standing (a sad reminder it’s time to hit the student rec center). The walk home sucks. Drunk people scream in the distance as you walk home. You smell like cheap beer and sadness. You decide to order D.P. Dough or Wings Over from your cozy bed, take a nap, and vow to never go to a darty ever again (until the fall, that is).