Disclaimer: This article was written in a satirical tone and is riddled with stereotypes. If you’re going to take it seriously, don’t.
There’s a reason UChicago was included in the Huffington Post’s list of most hipster schools. The UChicago hipster can be found smoking a Marlboro Red or perhaps an American Spirit in front of Cobb, huddled in a group discussing philosophical theories or a New Wave French film. They are dressed in clothes they claim to have bought from a thrift store, the typical outfit containing at least one of the following:
- a denim jacket/shirt, a beanie, skinny Levi’s, Ray Ban glasses or any grandma-style eye wear, lace-up boots
The UChicago hipster is most likely majoring in the Humanities or the Social Sciences (but definitely NOT Econ) and works at one of the school cafés. The UChicago hipster may desire numerous ironic tattoos but is secretly fearful of it hurting their job prospects.
The international student is frequently found with other international students, English typically not being the language of choice in their conversation. If you ever talk to two international students hailing from the same country, there is a good chance that at least once, the two will talk in their native tongues, making you feel very out of the loop. The international student is almost always an Econ major (if their parents are shipping them halfway around the world, they sure as hell better end up as an investment baker) and involved in one of the consulting or investment groups on campus. (S)he is typically dressed in expensive threads and carries a unique cross body sling bag in place of a backpack. International students often stem from affluent backgrounds and may have anecdotes of hanging out with their country’s politicians/prominent figures, or better yet, mafia heads.
Constantly raised hand. Repetitive refutations. Oh, we have come across the “that kid”. That kids come in all shapes and sizes and are thus, difficult to identify solely by sight. Yet after a single class, typically the first one, the that kid will establish him/herself. It is not known whether or not that kids recognize how utterly annoying they are. That kids are spotlighted in small, discussion-based classes, particularly SOSC. Even after the professor mentions the need for participation amongst other students (i.e., if you’re talking more than three times a class, stop), that kid will continue to spout lengthy speeches. Admittedly, some are incredibly astute and make points that are greeted with heads nodding in agreement. Other times, that kids will regurgitate previously stated points but in a more convoluted fashion. This often results in numerous eye-rolls or nothing as everyone has tuned out.
Unlike “that kids”, the athletes at UChicago are extremely easy to spot. They tend to be taller, more muscular, and generally bigger than the rest of their peers and are donned in athletic/gym gear. The athlete also own an incredibly amount of UChicago gear, sporting sweaters, hats, t-shirts, backpacks and other pieces that indicate a level of school spirit that the average UChicago student is entirely indifferent to. The athletes’ niche is Ratner where you can find them lifting weights or running or whatever it is physically-fit people do. Many athletes initially gravitate towards an Economics major. But like the rest of UChicago’s countless Econ-major hopefuls, many realize how torturous the ECON 200 sequence is and switch to another area of study.
Lastly, we have our overachievers (we are at UChicago, it was inevitable). These students are involved in a dozen RSO’s and student government yet also maintain a job and a 4-class workload. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. One can discern an overachiever simply through their Facebook activity. With a profile picture collection almost entirely composed of event posters and incessant event invitations, overachievers are very active in promoting via social media. It is rather amazing that these students are able to do what they do, considering our academic setting. Maybe they don’t eat, or sleep. Or possibly both. Whatever it is they are/are not doing, their résumés will most likely make yours look pathetic in comparison. Deal with it.