Mixed Signals

Written By: Lyell Tibayan

 

mixed signals: “a showing of thoughts or feelings that are very different from each other” 

To the person who gave me mixed signals, 

What happened? 

I thought we were good. I thought we were more than good. But now, I don’t know. 

One day you can be caring and nice. Then the next, you couldn’t care less about me. One day you tell me about your dreams. Then the next, you can barely hold on a small conversation. One day you tell me you enjoy talking to me. Then the next, you couldn’t even be bothered to reply. Yesterday, you told me you like me. Today, your words and actions seem to say otherwise. 

These mixed signals of yours. 

I’m left wondering about all the things you’ve told me since. You’ve done nothing but give me mixed signals. I don’t know what happened. I can only wonder. 

I can only wonder if I was too much. 

I can only wonder if I didn’t care enough. 

I can only wonder if. 

I can only wonder if you were once at the losing end of love. Maybe you loved too deeply, too openly that it led to nothing but hurt. 

I can only wonder if the idea of someone caring for you scares you. Maybe you don’t think you deserve kindness and empathy. 

I can only wonder if you’re even aware about those mixed signals of yours. Maybe you’ve done this so often that it’s become second nature.

I can only wonder if you’re simply not ready to commit. Maybe it isn’t me. Maybe, you just need more time to figure you out. To figure out what you really want. 

You see, your mixed signals have left me confused. But I’m done. I’m done wondering. I’m done waiting. I’m done waking up every morning that maybe this time you’ll figure it out. I’m done reframing your mixed signals as a sign that I should keep holding on. I don’t want to spend my time decoding your every word and actions. I didn’t sign up for that. And I certainly don’t have to stay for all it’s messiness. 

All my love, 

The person you’ve left wondering