Hey You,
I never expected connecting with someone like you, especially in the most 21st century circumstances. I met you online and there was a point that I generalized you like every other guy on that app. In my mind, I thought you could be the one to relieve me of my boredom and, like every single guy I would have a chance to talk to. You know…temporary and for my convenience. Just very casual and surface level conversations that wouldn’t attract any feelings of sorts. We ended up talking and found things in common. But I didn’t think too much about it. How would I know if you were telling the truth? That was my mindset: you and I and a random conversation for a day or two, then we would stop talking to each other. But days turned into weeks, then months. But still I didn’t want to assume anything. I just thought you were a nice guy and was just up for any conversations, I didn’t think too much about it. Since, I knew that if I did, then it would be an admittance to myself that I like talking to you. And I was just unwilling to admit that because I didn’t know what that would mean. I didn’t like the idea of possibly having feelings for a guy that I’ve only had connections and interactions with through words exchanged on a screen. For me, it sounded unlikely, in fact, impossible.
Fast forward to a few months of talking and at this point I’ve avoided any chance of meeting you. My reasoning involved a lot of uncertainties and fear of rejection or disappointment. But due to a weird coincidence, we ended up meeting in person. Turns out you had a physical copy of a book that I needed to write my last history paper on. Anyways, I offered to buy it from you but you were nice enough to give it to me for free. The day when we met up in school, I would be lying if I say that I didn’t feel nervous at all. But at that point I was confident that it was purely a transactional exchange of the book (not even because I didn’t pay for it). You know, just you giving me the book and leaving right after. That didn’t happen. You handed me the book then proceeded to sit across me. I was caught off guard that you stayed and didn’t know what to say. So the words that came out of my mouth was, “nice to finally meet you.” We ended up talking for a while. Throughout this entire situation I pretended to look busy on my computer to avoid looking overly interested. I was afraid that one simple smile of yours could suddenly free the deep inner romantic in me that I have so greatly locked up. So, you stood up and said, “well I’m gonna stop bothering you.” I didn’t know what to say so I just said, “okay thanks for the book.” At that point, I realized I said the wrong thing and thought I screwed it up. But I didn’t, surprisingly. We still kept talking to each other through social media.
Before I knew it, surface level conversations transformed into more interesting and intricate exchanges about our lives. Part of me knew that I should just stick to normal small talk. However, there was another part of me that wanted to know you better. I wanted to know your likes, dislikes, dreams, ambitions, regrets, disappointments and fears. I wanted to know what made you ticked. What made your eyes light up with happiness and flicker with sadness. But I held back. I was afraid to overwhelm you and me. I could swear there were moments where I truly saw you as one of my guy friends, very platonic. But then, there were moments where you made it seem like you cared for me. Through your questions about my mornings/evenings. Your enthusiasm with the little successes in my school work or my other passions in life. Your advice towards my anxiousness and stress. Or simply, when you stated that you like talking to me. Those are the moments that make me wonder about what ifs. But I refuse to know the answers to those what ifs. One of my best friends told me that she sees our interaction like a book. She thinks you’re one of the main guys that will have a meaningful impact in my life. But I didn’t want to think of you that way. I’d rather think of you as the guy who just simply passed by. The one that will be my what if. Will I regret not expressing my feelings or giving you the chance to tell me your side? Who knows, maybe. I’m not one to believe in destiny, but we don’t know what the future holds. For now I will walk away. I hope only the best things in for you because you are genuinely a kind soul. Maybe one day, you’ll end up walking back into my life again. Maybe this time you won’t be the guy that simply passed by. Maybe this time, you can stay for a little while?
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Walked Away
Written By: Lyell Tibayan