From the outside, my summer didn’t look like anything special. I did what I had to do, went to work, took some summer classes, and came home to an empty apartment. If I’m honest, when the summer started, the idea of being alone depressed me. I can remember the weird feeling in my chest I got when the semester ended, both my roommates were moving out early, and I was freshly back in contact with my ex-boyfriend (bad idea), simply because I couldn’t stand the idea of being alone.
Worst of all, I couldn’t stand the thought of being by myself, which suddenly made me so uncomfortable, especially because I couldn’t really understand why. I prided myself on being independent; I spent so many years of my life with only myself to rely on, yet this was the first time in my life that I felt I almost had to prove it.
My roommates were gone, friends had gone back home, and my family was hours away. It sounded freeing in theory, yet it only felt daunting.
I went back home the second the realization that I would truly be alone finally settled in. I drove the seven hours to my family on a spur-of-the-moment decision, and I made it all the way to the stop sign by my parents’ house before I realized that the weird feeling that resided in my chest wasn’t going to go away just because I did. I knew then that it was something I was going to have to face head-on; no amount of running, talking to my ex, or feeling sorry for myself was going to solve it.
So I enjoyed my week there and came back to San Marcos, the feeling still heavy in my head and heart, but now accompanied by the determination to figure it out.
Trial Run
It wasn’t easy, and it definitely didn’t happen immediately.
I never knew what it really meant to work on yourself until then. It took a lot of time before I realized just how much I had relied on distractions. On what new problems I could focus on externally, on what I could fill my time with doing, with all kinds of different ways I could stop the onslaught of thoughts I faced every day.
The first half of summer, I did just that. I was distracted. I filled my time as best I could with any activity or other feeling I could focus on, besides the loneliness I didn’t want to accept. I didn’t realize at the time that it was hurting me rather than helping. I didn’t realize that all of the avoiding was simply delaying me from facing what I needed to.
I felt I was succeeding, that the full schedule and putting all my focus on past problems was what I needed to do. Yet, it was during the second half of summer that I decided I didn’t really have to do so to be happy.
The Turning Point
I let go of trying to figure everything out. I spent time with myself, really and truly sat alone in my quiet apartment, and I let go of delaying the inevitable. I focused my thoughts back on myself. I wondered what would happen if I stopped filling my time with anything and everything I could think of, and instead just dedicated that time to me.
What was it I truly wanted? What did I see for myself, and who did I want to be? I found I didn’t quite understand much about myself once I first asked myself these questions. I couldn’t understand what it was I was working toward, and I couldn’t imagine my life beyond temporary problems that somehow constantly consumed my mind. All I could ever think about was all that I lacked, all of my issues, and how I felt they’d never be solved.
So, I decided to be patient, to take it day by day and trust that with time I could figure it out. Some days it was hard to trust. I’d get lost in my head again and focus on all the ways I wasn’t doing something right. Some days were heavier than most, when I realized all the ways in the past I might’ve failed or lost my footing. It was hard to accept the times I might’ve hurt others; it was harder to accept that even when I felt it was justified, it didn’t mean I wasn’t in the wrong.
The Other Side
But all of it led to the ways I learned from it. All of the pain, the critiques, the laughs, and the happiness–it all created who I’ve become. All I have become is myself, and it’s finally someone I’m not afraid to spend all of my time with, even with no distractions.
I know I will continue to grow, even farther past where I’m at now. I’m sure it won’t be easy, and I know there’s so much more to learn and figure out about who I truly am. But I’m grateful for the foundation I have created, and the love and trust I’ve built with myself. It’s only proven that I can do it all again if I need to, as long as I come home to myself at the end of the day.