In my wonderful 4 years of college, I have come across the most interesting people. More specifically men who feel the need to say every little thought on their mind. 

It has been a whirlwind of unsolicited opinions, questionable flirting, and comments that probably should have stayed inside their heads. At times, I felt a little like Olivia Rodrigo screaming and throwing cake. 

So my dear friends, I have put together a collection of some of my favorite encounters with men. Not because they bothered me, but because months or years later they have become infinitely funnier. 

Stories and descriptions are limited to protect the individuals who have contributed to this article

The Beautiful Minds of Men

“Respect yourself” 

Now this one comes from the ex of a friend of mine who, by the way, is balding at the young age of 22. This one bothers me more than most, because mind you, he is the one calling and texting her 24/7 when he has a little family on the way. And she on the other hand, respects herself enough to welcome the opportunity for entertainment. 

“You’re scaring the huzz”

An office crush who unfollowed the girl on Spotify of all places so the “huzz” would not think he has a girl at home. He then pined after her for 2 weeks to then make a BS excuse as to why they can’t date. 

“You’ve really grown into yourself” 

Now I know this sounds like a compliment, but mind you. He was staring at my chest while making this comment. 

“You look like my ex, but prettier” 

Awwww! OMG, thank you; you really know how to pick up a girl you just met for the first time. Now, boys, if you are going to go up to a girl at the bar and try to get her number. Do not bring up your ex, and definitely do not try to make up a handshake with her when you’re one drink away from falling down drunk on the square. 

“What’s wrong with your face”

My god. This came from a man at work. A job where I wear makeup most of the time because I swear I get more tips that way. This was the first time in a while I came in bare-faced, and “What’s wrong with your face?” Was how he greeted me. How sweet of you!

“You’re not like hot but cute” 

I swear they just say anything on their mind with no regard for respect. 

“Get your septum pierced, so that your mom or boyfriend can pull you around like cattle when you misbehave”

This was said to a girl while working at a restaurant in high school. She had just gotten her nose pierced, and by the grace of god, a creepy old man walked up to her and said this.  

“Let’s take it slow” and “I might talk to other people” 

The statement said here is not what is absurd about the situation. It’s that after weeks of hanging out and basically living at her apartment, he wants to take it slow. After this, he then says he wants to talk to other people. Fine! Okay! Do you as you please, but so will she. During a night out, he is a little shady and gets upset with the girl. His reasoning? Oh, she followed another guy on Instagram that night. 

Last but not least, my favorite:

“You will forever get f*ck*d and never cuffed”

Honestly, I could give you guys context, but I will let you just sit with that. 

Gentlemen, I Thank You. 

Over the past four years, I have collected a treasure chest of memories and absurd phrases said by strange men at bars. These are just the ones that have survived the test of time and still make me laugh when I think of them. 

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe men have some biological need to say the first thought that enters their head. Either way, I thank you all for contributing to my collection of stories that will be told until the end of time. 

You may not have gotten the girl, but at least you made the article.

• college
• entertainment
• feminism
• love
• relationships
• situationship