Another Valentine’s Day has passed me by without a single text sent or received – let alone my very own Valentine keeping me company. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re in the same boat. I have been on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder and have even navigated the risky (yet tantalizing) world of fraternity brothers to try and find my happily ever after. The one thing that gets in the way? An avoidant attachment style.
Let’s get into it: Attachment theory was initially coined by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who claimed that the way adults handle interpersonal relationships could all be decided by how caring (or uncaring) their parents were when they were infants. The different attachment styles are secure, anxious, disorganized, and avoidant. Each has one with their own quirks and ways of presenting themselves.
Secure Attachment
A secure attachment style is like the holy grail of parenting results. It’s formed by parents, and other caregivers, who are responsive, loving, and overall present for their children’s emotional and physical needs. Other factors contribute as well, such as a healthy and safe environment for the child to grow up in. This attachment style is characterized by being comfortable with intimacy, healthy independence, the ability to trust others, and great communication skills. Something I know we are all looking for!
Anxious Attachments
Ooh, I know this one! An anxious attachment style can be formed by inconsistent or otherwise tumultuous parenting – sometimes from helicopter parenting, intrusive behavior, and generally an unstable childhood environment. This attachment style is characterized by its clingy, insecure, and overall codependent nature. People with this attachment style may be prone to jealousy or overthinking, constantly unsure of their place in relationships – romantic or otherwise. People with anxious attachment should work on their self-worth outside of relationships and become more comfortable expressing their needs instead of seeking validation!
Disorganized Attachment
This is the scariest one – the one all parents and caregivers should work overtime to avoid. Disorganized attachments (also known as fearful-avoidant) are formed due to abusive or otherwise traumatic childhoods, leading to children who both fear and yearn for closeness. Therapy is highly encouraged for those with disorganized attachment styles.
Avoidant Attachment
The emotionally immature stars of the show! Avoidant attachment styles are typically formed when the child is overly independent, usually by caregivers dismissing or minimizing emotional needs. This leads to hyper-independent adults who have a difficult time forming sincere relationships, as their basis for connection is logic over emotion. Those with avoidant attachments should work on their emotional vulnerability and recognize their fears of dependency.
This theory of parenting and child development has been telephoned to hell and back in popular culture. What was originally meant to serve as a warning for parents and an explanation for adult behavior has turned into another “love languages, enneagram, zodiac sign” style excuse for putting ourselves through the wringer. We analyze it so much that we forget one key detail in college dating: he’s just twenty.
Now, I don’t mean to say “boys will be boys” about our trials and tribulations in romance, but it does serve as a good reminder that the boys who don’t text us back, who make us question our worth, and overall drive us BSC are simply… boys – or girls, or just plain kids. It’s so easy to write off a person’s sh*tty behavior as them being a horrible, no-good scum of the Earth, sleazebag (and maybe they are!) when the likely reason for their shortcomings is a lack of life experience. This noncommittal behavior is something people grow out of eventually. However, that does not mean it shouldn’t be acknowledged.
When people, especially someone you’re interested in, have a history of avoidant behavior, take it as a warning that the fairytale you’re dreaming of won’t come so easily. Make no mistake, you will be ghosted, asked, “Why do labels matter?” and might only see them when the sun goes down. It’s exhausting, it’s disheartening, and more than anything, it’s necessary for the lessons we learn as twenty-somethings. After my first big heartbreak, I was told that it’s better to learn these things now, when I still have my mommy and daddy to run home to, than when I’m grown and trapped in a lease.
To those with avoidant or “toxic” habits, it’s okay not to be ready to settle down! After all, you’re only twenty-something. But you can’t be upset when the girls you string along blame you for their broken hearts, because who else will become their ring by spring but Brad/Chad/Jason/Kyle/Micheal/Yougetthepicture?
Now, how does this play into dating and more importantly, how can knowing this help my relationships?
The simple answer? It won’t. You can’t magically make your situationship older, you can’t go back in time and undo how his parents raised him, and you definitely can’t make him go to therapy. What you can do is recognize these behaviors and their roots, whether it be poor parenting choices, an underdeveloped frontal lobe, or evil festering in their hearts – and respond however you see fit.
I wish nothing but secure and long-lasting relationships for you all, now, if you will excuse me, I have a boy with a septum and a “crazy” ex to text back!