The holidays are fast-approaching, so as we prepare for hearty, home cooked meals and questions about college from relatives that you were too young to remember meeting, comes the feeling of avoidance and inadequacy.
Eldest Daughter-Core
A deadbeat daughter is exactly what it sounds like; a lazy, irresponsible and unconcerned daughter. I earned (self-titled) the deadbeat name after years of being told I am selfish and careless, so instead of disproving it I just accepted it for what it was: a deadbeat.
This is my personal take on the eldest daughter discussion that’s been gaining popularity over the years. There are a number of discussions and discourse circulating about eldest daughters being parentified, responsible or unhinged, but I wanted to take a different direction by discussing my personal experience as an eldest daughter and how it’s shaped me into what I consider a deadbeat.
I have a great relationship with my parents, moving four hours away and talking over the phone has been beneficial to our dynamic. However, growing up an older sister to a brother who my parents unsubtly favored for being easier to raise was a tough pill to swallow, but selfishly looking back, it was a blessing in disguise for me.
In Defense of Deadbeat Daughters
“You’re so selfish” is one thing that will always stick with me after spending years considering others and making decisions with other people in mind. All that time spent worrying was worth nothing if in the end I’m “selfish.” Being told I’m “ungrateful” and “careless” for so long eventually fell on deaf ears. It turned me spiteful and pushed me to see what carelessness actually looked like.
My younger brother was always unapologetically favored for being easy to deal with, likely because growing up I was very outspoken and expressive of my thoughts as a result of inheriting my father’s character, however it was what put me in the “black sheep” category. No one else was as outright about their opinions of what was right or wrong, and my loud mouth was what always got me in trouble and labeled me dramatic.
Everyone is a product of their environment; their family, culture, peers and many other factors shape who a person grows into. For me, I grew up to be independent, distant, and avoidant. Now, dodging family events and phone calls as much as possible unless I absolutely have to (or I need something.)
It Is What It Is
I confess that accepting growing into an avoidant deadbeat child has made my life easier. Not having anything expected of me is so freeing and would be an unnecessary burden in the back of my mind. The best part is I simply cannot disappoint my family because there are no set expectations anymore! I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want, and it will always feel like the right choice.
Having the capacity to be as distant as I want is so ideal. I remember growing up, dreading the holidays because I didn’t want to see my family, and when I had to be there I either hid or clung to my mother (which I still do.) My parents would come home from gatherings telling me my relatives were mad, asking about me and why I wasn’t there and I never had a good excuse– I just didn’t want to be there! Being at university is the perfect response for my absence, a get-away vacation without making excuses, and I now love the holidays since creating that standard of absence.
Creating that distance for so long has put me in the perfect spot to show up once in a blue moon. I reached hyper-independence and have become well adjusted without the need for a lot of familial companionship. Unconsciously, I don’t think about contacting my relatives, I tend to go a disrespectfully long time without texting or calling. I never reach out unless I need a favor or something done, but like many deadbeat parents have once said, “the phone works both ways.”
Doomed-Beat Daughter
I also confess that the deadbeat mindset isn’t all rainbows and unicorns, unfortunately. Deep down, there is still that weight on my conscience that comes and goes when I think about my truancy in their lives for too long. “What if I applied myself to family values?” “Who would I be now?” “Would I have been a respectable person?” You know, your typical dread induced thoughts.
Ironically enough, sometimes jealousy and bitterness makes an appearance. Seeing people who are close with their families instills a bittersweetness within me. Yes, I’m glad I don’t have to put up with the BS anymore, and yes, I am jealous of seeing relatives be besties, because that should have been me like 10 years ago, but knowing those opportunities are no longer there is also relieving.
I think every eldest daughter carries some form of guilt in any capacity. But, the guilt a deadbeat daughter carries is different in a way of knowing and doing what exactly is right for themselves and persevering regardless. Acting in a “self-centered” way should not come back as a guilty feeling, but it does, and will, which is kind of a curse of being the first born daughter.
The eldest daughter stereotypes are extremely real and valid. It is a vastly different experience growing up and truly affects the person you grow into. Accepting what you want at the expense of being labeled “lazy” or “selfish” by people you dgaf about is not worth beating yourself up over.