From throwing wine to snatching extensions and extensive limo-crying, there’s no denying that Bravo’s legendary Real Housewives series has changed the face of pop culture. The subject of many a blog and lunchtime gossip session, the Real Housewives have forced their way into our lives forever. But while we are enternally grateful to these catty betches for their insane one-liners and dramatic storylines, one of the most underrated (and inevitable) parts of each season is when one lady tries to become a popstar. Ranging from mehh to a tragedy on par with a train accident, the Housewives’ “music” is nothing if not delightfully funny. Here, we count down the best of the worst.
5. “Money Can’t Buy You Class” by Countess Luann
Crooning from the confines of a painfully tight corset blouse, the Real Housewives of New York star divulges her tips on how to be a classy, upstanding member of society. “The primary mistake? Texting on a date!” the Countess berates us all in her robotic, autotuned voice set to a fabulously Euro-trash dance beat. Although I honestly thought the song was an SNL Digital Short at first, it’s infectious and fun and the perfect post-party (read: post-Franzia) sing-a-long.
4. “Google Me” by Kim Zolciak
Maybe it’s the sass. Maybe it’s the wig. Either way, Kim Zolciak managed to produce something that is at once stunningly horrible and kind of amazing. After listening to it for the first time about a year ago, I found myself sing-commanding friends to “click them keys and Google me.” I do have a serious question about this track, though: Was the writer of the song drunk at the time? Was it written in part by Kim? This is a reasonable theory because Kim appears in a hazy trance every time she performs live, with Andy Cohen often grinning gleefully in the background.
3. “Nothing Without You” By Gretchen Rossi
Awww, she tried. But really, though. It seems like every other Bravolebrity had the idea to become a electronic singer after too many glasses of champagne, but Gretchen of the OC appears to have come from a genuine place with this ballad composed in honor of her late fiancée. Because she takes herself so seriously, it’s clear that Gretchen thinks she can sing. Like, really sing. Now I won’t say Gretchen is a bad singer, per se, but I will say this: When I played this song in my room and she attempted a high note, my roommate threw a sneaker at my door in anguish.
2. “Rockstar” By Melissa Gorga
Despite the complete and utter lack of real content in this song, I will assert that New Jersey’s Melissa Gorga can actually sing. And even though she just kind of repeats the same “party, party” lyrics over and over again, it’s catchy and feel-good and I would request it at the club (I’m the worst, I know). Her smooth voice is a nice departure from the caterwauling of her Housewives peers.
1. “Gone With the Wind Fabulous” by Kenya Moore
Far and away the greatest thing my auditory senses have ever beheld, this song is rife with RHOA references, blatant egotism and electronic house beats. The song was conceived after Kenya’s famous declaration of “I’m gone with the wind fabulous!” after an altercation with fellow housewife Portia Stewart (portrayed in the music video by famed drag queen Shangela). The song is dotted with self-affirming craziness (“You say I’m old? I say I’m fabulous!”), the chorus booming with commands to “Twirl! Twirl! Twirl!” This song is, indeed, fabulous.