This year’s election process has been one for the records. Unfortunately, there has been a lot of confusion, unhappiness, and fear circulating amongst American voters as many people feel that they must choose between one of two evils. Personally, I’m really hoping that homegirl Hill wins, but I thought I’d share a few dos and don’ts to keep in mind in the unlikely and ridiculous event that Donald Trump is elected president.
DO consider fleeing the country. If you have citizenship in another country, think about moving your life there. Maybe your grandma will let you live in her guest room and you can connect with your roots. Even if you don’t have citizenship elsewhere, take this opportunity to travel the world and embrace that wanderlust that you’ve been repressing. There’s no time like the present to quit your desk job and become a hippie. If you don’t want to go too far, try Canada. It can get pretty cold in the winter but it has amazing natural beauty, and if you don’t want to learn another language, most areas of Canada speak English. But there is a limit on places you can flee to…
DON’T go to Mexico. There will be a wall in the way. A wall that stands in your path bigly. (I’m not sure if I used that correctly but that’s okay because our president won’t know how to use it either!) Now, I know you must be wondering, “Can’t planes fly over that wall? Are there any openings in the wall to let people through by car?” The answer is to both of these questions is no. The wall will be there to keep people out of the United States, but it will also be keeping people in!
DO practice abstinence. Ladies, if you get pregnant, the government, A.K.A. the pro-life judges that Mr. Trump will appoint, will not allow you to make decisions about your own body. Oh, and don’t forget, if you were thinking about have a C-section, also called 9th month abortion, don’t do it. The president will not allow for your baby to be ripped from your womb just days before birth, so if you are going to ignore this tip about abstinence, make sure you’re okay with natural childbirth.
DON’T buy an ombré kit and DIY at home. Mr. Trump doesn’t want bad ombrés in this country, and he will “get [you] out.” Save yourself the trouble and spend the extra money at the salon. It’ll look better, you’ll feel better, and the president will approve of your hair.
DO avoid locker rooms if you’re not a sexist, racist, nasty pig. If that is you, go right ahead! If you are a decent human being, I would advise against it because apparently it’s totally normal to objectify and dehumanize 50% of the human population after hitting the gym. But make sure you don’t gain any weight while avoiding the gym because you wouldn’t want Mr. President to call you “an eating machine.”
DON’T bother researching any facts. Whenever you want to give a statistic of any kind, just make it up. If the president can pull numbers out of his ass, so can you! If you realize that you’ve dug yourself into a deep hole, just keep spouting out crap. It’s okay if the hole gets deeper. Maybe you’ll catch up to Trump! But don’t let it get too deep, because then you might get to China, and then we’d have an opening in our borders…
If you follow all of these tips, you’re sure to make it through the next 4 years just fine. That is, unless, he offends Kim Jong-un, in which case the previous points are no longer applicable. Happy voting!
*Disclaimer: If this is not abundantly apparent, this was written with sarcastic intentions.