To My Non-Existent Valentine,
Please do not buy me flowers. They make my room smell like cheap perfume. When I look outside of my window and see snow, the last thing I want to be reminded of is spring. If you’re considering daisies, they shed pollen that often makes me sneeze and leaves yellow specks spattered across my homework. Tulips instead? Sure, but the petals will fall off within a couple of days (and you better hope I’m not guessing, “he loves me, he loves me not” on the day they do). I guess roses are your best bet, if you want me to prick my fingers on thorns. If you, Valentine, believe that flowers are the best demonstration of your love, then in about a week our relationship will be wilting and dead, floating in a brown pond of moldy water.
If you’re considering chocolates, I have a few pieces of advice. Most importantly, chocolate makes you fat (and neither of us want that to happen)… Let me express my concern that you may believe white chocolate actually counts as “chocolate”. Sadly, you are mistaken. If I am going to be completely honest, I will most likely poke holes in the bottom of all of the chocolates, eat the ones filled with caramel, peanut butter, and toffee, and offer the rest to the freshmen on my hall. So, let’s steer clear of the unnecessary calories?
Maybe you’re considering lingerie: Let me shut this idea down right away. I want to clarify that it is February aka hibernation season aka not bathing suit season. I have drunkenly ordered Domino’s pizza one too many times this semester to even consider squeezing into something frilly and lacey. In addition, the amount of effort that would go into putting lingerie on definitely is not worth the energy considering it will be taken off shortly thereafter.
And finally, I am begging you, please do not buy me a teddy bear. I am twenty years old, not five. On Valentine’s Day my bed should be used for things other than displaying your unoriginal, CVS-purchased excuse for a “gift.”
Sincerely,
A Mildly-Bitter Single