Look, I’m no authority on matters of the heart. I’m about as emotionally functional as Britney Spears when she’s off her meds (forgive me Brit-Brit), and nothing I do ever makes sense. However, I do really love theory, and I think the amalgamation of the romantic comedies I’ve watched, teen novels I’ve read, friends I’ve had, and boys I’ve messed up with, has made me quite the wiz at hypothetical dos and don’ts. Seriously, I learned early in life that I’m smarter than everyone else and haven’t stopped giving advice since the moment I learned how to talk. So listen up – here are 15 things you should never text a boy you like …
1.“Hey can, you talk today? I’m just really confused about us.”
2.“I’m bored LOL, come cuddleee!!”
3.“Why are you being weird?”
4.“Sorry I acted like a psycho last night.”
5.“… haha or don’t reply???”
6.“???”
7.“I have really bad cramps :(”
8.“It’s cool, don’t say hi to me… ”
9.“Did I leave my earring in your room?” … 5 minutes later: “JK, I found it! What’s up tho?”
10.“Who’s that girl you were talking to last night?”
11.“I’m deleting your number.”
12.“wuts good. where u at” (this, of course, only applies after 2 AM)
13.”Hey, don’t let me forget that I have your t-shirt! I’m not one of those clothes-stealing crazies!!”
14.“I don’t get what you and your friends even do when you hang out?”
15.“OMG! You’re playing Call of Duty?! I’m sooo good at video games!!”
So unless you don’t mind rejection, try to avoid getting to the point of desperation that might prompt your tiny little manicured thumbs to type out any of these text messages. Take a step back, read a book, turn on Winter’s Bone (why can’t I stop watching this movie?!), look at pictures that track Scarlett Johannson’s weight fluctuations… whatever. If you try hard enough, there are literally a million little things you can do to keep yourself from sending these texts.
Photos courtesy of: emarcom.com, absoluteability.com