By Adwoa Ampofo
If you feel attacked… good. Stay with me.
For so many of us who grew up socialized as female or femme, being loving wasn’t optional — it was expected.
We were raised to be caring. Understanding. Sensitive. Forgiving.
To “see the good in everyone.”
To be the emotional glue in every relationship, even if it meant ignoring ourselves.
But somewhere between girlhood and adulthood, the line between loving someone and losing yourself became dangerously blurry.
Today’s pop culture and honestly, our entire generation has turned that blur into a full-on identity crisis.
The Rise of the “Lover Girl” Identity
We all know the aesthetic: soft, emotional, loyal to a fault.
But being a Lover Girl has shifted from “romantic” to “self-sacrificial.”
Celebrities like Mariah the Scientist have romanticized staying with men who constantly disrespect them. There’s nothing empowering about ignoring red flags, excusing cheating, or convincing yourself “love will fix it. Yet this dynamic gets glamorized as loyalty.
But that’s not loyalty it’s fear.
Fear of being alone, fear of facing yourself, fear of letting go.
And I know that fear personally.
My Personal Wake-Up Call
Back in high school, I was very boy crazy embarrassingly so.
It wasn’t because I genuinely loved any of those boys.
It was because I barely loved myself.
I had low self-esteem and no idea who I wanted to become.
So instead of building the person I wanted to be, I chased after the person I wanted to be with someone I hoped would make me seem better, feel better, or look more “worthy” to myself and
everyone else.
Every situationship came with problems but instead of walking away, I’d convince myself that if I just loved them enough, things would finally change.
They never did.
Even my first semester of college, I was basically playing girlfriend for a guy who never even said my name because he “couldn’t pronounce it” and, honestly, because he never took me seriously enough to try.
He only kept me around for sex.
And the worst part?
I tolerated it.
Trust me…I know how embarrassing that is to admit. But it was real.
Now, as a sophomore, I’ve spent one of the first months of my entire teenage and young adult
life not entertaining a guy at all not sexually, not romantically, not even casually.
And for the first time, I’m actually learning who I am.
Slowly.
Bit by bit.
And I genuinely love the person I’m becoming.
It’s hard especially when media, society, culture, and yes… even religion— teach us that
validation from men is the ultimate prize. That being wanted is the same as being valuable.
But is it worth losing yourself?
I learned the answer the hard way.
It’s not.
The Psychology Behind Losing Yourself
There are real psychological reasons so many girls fall into these patterns:
- Fear of abandonment:
When love feels scarce, you cling to anyone who gives you attention. - Low self-worth:
Believing affection needs to be earned rather than freely given. - Trauma bonds:
Confusing chaos with passion. - Identity fusion:
Letting a relationship become your entire personality. - Social conditioning:
Girls are taught to be agreeable, forgiving, and emotionally available often to their own
detriment.
None of this makes you weak.
It makes you human.
But being human doesn’t mean staying stuck
Building a Life That Is Yours
Movements like the 4B movement and other women-centered ideologies are pushing girls to
build a life rooted in:
● self-worth
● independence
● culture and community
● personal goals
● boundaries
● non-romantic fulfillment
Not attaching your entire identity to another person.
Not acting like you physically can’t breathe without a man texting you back.
There is a healthy form of love one that doesn’t require erasing yourself.
One that doesn’t demand shrinking your dreams to fit someone else’s comfort zone.
A Final Question
So, no, you’re not a Lover Girl.
Not in the cute, aesthetic, romantic way TikTok tries to sell you.
You’re losing yourself.
Piece by piece.
Text by text.
Relationship by relationship.
And for what?
Validation?
Attention?
Temporary affection?
Approval from a guy who won’t even say your name.
You deserve more.
But you won’t find “more” in someone else until you find “more” within yourself.
So be honest:
Is any of this worth losing the woman you’re becoming?
Because she deserves to be chosen first every single time.