By Victoria Musa
“I’M UGLY AND I’M PROUD,” – Spongebob Squarepants
While scrolling through Tiktok this week, I came across a since deleted video of a woman expressing her desires for love while referring to herself as a “Mid Black Woman”. In the original TikTok video, the woman asked, “Where are all the men who like Mid-Black Girls ? Cause yes, most Black women are drop dead gorgeous. But then there’s Black women that look like me, that aren’t drop dead gorgeous. Um, we still need love though,”.
Though I understand that people expressing their grievances on the internet can be annoying, the comments and videos created in response to her video were tone-deaf to say the least. There were responses accusing the original commentator of being “male centered”, “fishing for likes”, and saying that she simply needs to “love herself”.
On the extreme side, one video even accused her of being a desperate “woman” who would go on a website to find a man in prison that she can control and manipulate to “love” her since he’s in prison. Harsh right? The irony of this conversation is that the woman who is referring to herself as “ugly” is a plus sized Black woman, and just a couple months ago there was discourse on social media revolving around whether or not a statue in NYC created by Thomas J. Price titled, “Grounded In The Stars” should stay up since it’s “ugly” and not a “proper representation of Black women”. Wanna guess how the statue looked?
It looked just like the woman in the original Tiktok video, but dark-skinned.
The “Self-Love” movement is one that has occupied our society for decades. Mostly targeted towards women and stemming from unrealistic beauty standards set up by the patriarchy. From the age of 12, many girls are told to “just love themselves”. But what if the damage has already been done by then? Why do people speak of self-love so casually? As if it’s the easiest thing on earth?
How do you love yourself when everything in our society is rooted in vanity?
Sure, we can “detach” ourselves from the idea of beauty, but how do you really free yourself when it’s everywhere around you? Beauty products, films, music, social media and etc. are all factors that play a role in telling us to “conform”, “change”, and “please” the man. But when women express their grievances with not being able to live up to these rules, they’re met with apathy and disregard. As opposed to empathy since they’re victims of a misogynistic world that’s taught them to talk down on themselves (I also find it funny how women who express self-hatred without involving anyone else are met with disgust and anger. But women who “brag” about looking better than other women unprovoked, and usually for male attention, are praised and idolized. But that’s beside the point).
When I was in middle school, I was obsessed with the movie “Carrie”. I hated that Carrie didn’t get a happy ending so I would read fanfics where she had a normal life and never got dumped in pig blood. While attempting to satisfy this insatiable fantasy, I came across a video detailing
the differences between the book and the movie. One of the huge differences was that Carrie was pimply, oily-haired, and fat – hence the reason she was dumped in “pig” blood. But in the movies, she’s portrayed by conventionally attractive, skinny White girls with healthy hair, and clear skin. In fact, it’s been speculated that Carrie wasn’t casted as a fat girl because they wanted the audience to take her suffering seriously.
It’s disappointing that many people believe that feeling “ugly” is an internal issue and not both an internal and external issue. As a society, we need to stop punching down on people who are on the receiving end of being “ugly”, and direct that discourse towards our society’s obsession with vanity and beauty. Sure, you can say, “Well just because societies like that doesn’t mean you have to adhere to it,”. Well then how do you not adhere to it when it’s constantly in your ear? Especially if you’re on the receiving end of what society is demeaning. Growing up, I was not conventionally attractive. I won’t get into any specifics, but before the age of 18 I was considered “ugly” by society’s standards and was heavily affected by it. Being asked out as a prank, guys that liked me only speaking to me in private, and even my own friends and family making comments on my appearance. One word I used to hear was “but”. “You have so much potential to be pretty but,”. How does one properly grow in that environment where you’re constantly being told you’re not “good enough”?
Thinking you’re “ugly” isn’t as surface level as “Not looking like a model or influencer” or “Boys not liking you”. It’s the disrespect you receive from other people because of your physical appearance. Being ignored, laughed at, and the shock displayed from other people when they see that you’re a person who has things that your appearance says you don’t deserve things like Love. A comment I always see and hear is, “How does this person have someone and I don’t? What am I doing wrong?”.
But on the topic of love, why is it a bad thing to desire it?
One of the main issues that people had with the original TikTok video was that she desired “Love” from a man even though she believes she’s “ugly”. To which people responded by calling her “male-centered” or a “pick me”. I understand that women should de-center men from their lives, but that should be it. We should de-center ourselves from “men”, but not from “love”. I used to always wonder: Are heterosexual/bisexual women male-obsessed or do they just crave romance? In our pursuit to destroy the patriarchy, we shouldn’t get the two mixed up. We should not forget to see love as a necessity and not as a liability. The notion that you must “love yourself” in order to be loved is false. Can self-love be a path for one to know their worth? Absolutely. But it’s not the end all in the matters of romance. We’re human, we have insecurities, and that’s okay.
In fact, we only refer to this statement in the matters of romance, but not to friendships or familial relations. Has our “self-love movement” become an advanced way for women to prepare themselves for men? Making sure that we’re coming “healed” (As if it’s possible to completely heal.) so we don’t mess up or inconvenience their lives? But that’s besides the point.
We won’t get this freedom we desire from the patriarchy by shaming women who have suffered the effects of the latter, and we won’t be able to think critically about patriarchal implications by spreading “surface-level” answers or making comments that disparage and alienate women who feel bad about themselves after poor experiences in the past. We cannot allow the patriarchy to make us see “emotions”, “feelings”, “vulnerability” and “love” as a weakness and not as the strength that it can be.
Overall, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t encourage people to love themselves. But going about it with a shameful approach is not conducive, and it’s ignorant to the plague of vanity and misogyny that affects women systemically and socially. Again, why don’t we direct this discourse towards our vain ways of thinking as a society, and not towards the victims caught in the crossfire of a battle they were forced to enter.