Ask Andi: We Aren’t Connecting Intimately

Dear Andi,

SO ANDI. Here’s the thing. I started “dating” this boy over the summer. He’s pretty much everything I look for in a guy. Smart, got his stuff together, grad school, cute, funny, makes me feel good about myself, I can feel comfortable around him, ya know all that good stuff. Buttt….the sex is terrible. I mean like no bueno. I’m away on a semester abroad and I said when I got back we would decide if we would try again or be done for good. I love his friends and I love his company and don’t wanna loose him from my life. I’m just worried that I’ll be tempted to cheat or I’ll get frustrated because of the bad sex. Is it possible that it could get better? I mean should I give it another try and get over the sex thing? Is it really that big of a deal? Isn’t it kinda shallow to say no to the perfect guy just because of something like this? I have 3 weeks till I get home and I have to figure this out! HELP!

-Nervous from Germany

Dear Nervous in Germany,
   

While sex isn’t everything in a relationship, it can be important.  It sounds to me like you found yourself a great catch! Which means he should be understanding about the issue bugging you. You said you feel comfortable with him, so I think you should address the situation directly with him.  You don’t have to flat out tell him he isn’t too savvy in the sack.  You can get your intimate desires heard in a more suggestive way.  Approach it in a way as if it were a random, naughty thought “I’ve always loved it when a guy does [. . .]” or “I was thinking about you and I wanted to you to [. . .]”  If you don’t think you can get the point across this way, you can also set it up as a challenge (guys love challenges): “I bet you can’t satisfy me by doing [. . .] (insert in the sentence exactly what you think would make your intimate time more pleasurable).” 

Or, you can even give him a play by play as the moment is occurring.  You shouldn’t worry about sounding too demanding.  Guys are very sexual creatures-but most guys are clueless when it comes to what women want in bed.  They would kill for an instruction manual on female anatomy, but every girl is different and has her own preferences when it comes to sex. So let him know what yours are! The point is, he wants you to enjoy it as much as he does-so if talking it out with him will lead to that, he will be a willing participant.

If you are uncomfortable being straightforward, you can ask him what bedroom gestures make him melt, after he opens up with his favorite dirty details, you can dish out yours!

If you have tried all of my prescribed remedies and the sexual chemistry still isn’t there, maybe it is a sign that you are better off close friends than being intimately involved.  Only you will be able to tell if the sex is unbearable to the point of infidelity.  So at least give him a shot, see how well his ability to follow instructions is.  It will most likely lead to a more compatible intimate time between you!

xoxo Andi