Dear Andi,
My ex-boyfriend will not return my stuff! I’ve asked him to mail it a thousand times and he refuses to send it. I’ve even said I’d pay for the shipping and I have his stuff too! I don’t know his school address and he won’t give it to me. He keeps saying he’s coming home to visit soon and will give me my stuff then, but I don’t wanna see him! His parents have no idea he’s acting like this and I don’t want drama with him because I love his family. Help.
-Ex it Out
Dear Ex it Out,
Breakups suck. They suck less if both parties can act like mature responsible adults, but unfortunately that isn’t always the way it works out. It sounds to me like you are not concerned about maintaining a friendship with your ex and you just want to move on. With the way he’s acting like that I don’t blame you!
Maybe in his mind, this is a way of keeping in contact with you. Your stuff is his insurance policy on getting to see you again, and that is neither mature nor fair. He needs to know that holding onto your items is not an appropriate way of trying to hold onto you.
The first thing you need to do is mail his stuff out. I assume you have his home address or can get it if you are close to his parents. Just send it there or drop it off without a word said. Just put everything in a bag or box and address it with his name. You don’t need to have a return address. You need to get his stuff out of your possession so it is one less matter that he can use to talk to you about. By keeping his stuff around you are allowing a connection to exist between you. It, hopefully, might even set an example for him to follow.
The next step is to give him a final, formal request for your stuff. E-mail him politely and simply say that you need your items, you have asked him multiple times and he has refused. Tell him if he does not return them then you will involve authorities. Don’t put this in a threatening tone like, “You’ll be in big trouble.” Your goal isn’t to scare him or make him mad; your goal is to get your stuff back. If that means having to get assistance from his parents, your parents, or having his school or the police get involved, then that is his doing. However trivial this may seem, you need your stuff back and if he isn’t working with you, then you may need to involve other people.
I would also suggest giving him a deadline. This shows that you are serious and that you don’t want to keep knocking this out. Tell him to have the package post-marked by a reasonable date.
Do not call him, text him, or Facebook him about this matter. These are all recipes for disaster and can turn into an argument. It is important that you send him a private e-mail so that you can document the situation. Remember, anything you say online can be permanently traced back to you. So handle this with dignity and composure. Save any texts, e-mails, voicemails and posts from him. You want to keep a record of your requests and his denials in case you need to involve his parents or anyone else.
If he is harassing you, follow through with your warning. No one has a right to bother you or make you feel uncomfortable or trapped. Don’t suffer in silence and if you need help making him leave you alone, get it. With emotions high and tensions higher, these situations can escalate fast.
I know you have asked him plenty of times and I am sure by now you are pretty frustrated with him. However, you need to give him one more chance to act like an adult. Even if you know he may still act immature and refuse, contacting him one last time is important for establishing a record of the situation. Be calm and rational and hopefully he will wise up and send your stuff to you. If he doesn’t, don’t stress yourself over it anymore than he has made you. Take all your information and records and contact his parents, or file a complaint against him.
Xoxo Andi